Today has been "interesting". What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy. I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store.
At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks. I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.
I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck. I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it. I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound. I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.
DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand. I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen. A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.
One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart. Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.
We are in love.
And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Last Beta Before U/S
My beta today was 6138. Had it gone to 5800, it would have doubled. I am feeling very pregnant, too. Nausea, heartburn and so sleepy.
All good things, though. Feeling over the moon and excited.
Looking forward to next week's ultrasound.
<3
All good things, though. Feeling over the moon and excited.
Looking forward to next week's ultrasound.
<3
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Too Scared to Screw?
Yep. This post is about sex. Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. It needs to be blogged about because it's kind of what's NOT been going on around here. I won't be offended if you don't read or comment. It's all good. :)
So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed. It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.
Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.
It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.) Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition. We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.
It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....
So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed. It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.
Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.
It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.) Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition. We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.
It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....
Friday, April 8, 2011
Bad Dreams...
I tend to dream a lot when I'm really tired. It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I'm exhausted. For the last ten or more nights, I've been dreaming a lot.
A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!" I agreed that this year, I would be DD. Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...
DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane. I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.
Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant. By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound. Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward.
I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.
**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**
A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!" I agreed that this year, I would be DD. Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...
DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane. I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.
Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant. By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound. Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward.
I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.
**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sweet Morning Texts and Beating the Control
Me: Morning :) I am still pregnant.
DH: Morning. Good. Go eat bfast good for baby.
This is how DH and I said good morning to each other. He'll be back tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.
My bleeding has stopped. ADIOS! Don't come back now, ya hear?
And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line's butt this morning. I'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change.
And here is me! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed, ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days.
GO ME!!!
DH: Morning. Good. Go eat bfast good for baby.
This is how DH and I said good morning to each other. He'll be back tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.
My bleeding has stopped. ADIOS! Don't come back now, ya hear?
And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line's butt this morning. I'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change.
And here is me! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed, ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days.
GO ME!!!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
More Good News
I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today. DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good, he would just cancel his trip. Well, I am happy to report that he left this morning. :)
My beta yesterday was 481. Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling". It went 61 above that! I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter. The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good. They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...
In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am. I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.
Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:
And a digi for good measure:
My beta yesterday was 481. Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling". It went 61 above that! I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter. The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good. They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...
In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am. I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.
Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:
And a digi for good measure:
Friday, April 1, 2011
Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)
My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some. My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.
I honestly don't know what to think.
I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta. If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.
Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby. My bleeding is the same.
My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.
I honestly don't know what to think.
I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta. If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.
Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby. My bleeding is the same.
My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.
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