More Good News

I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today.  DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good, he would just cancel his trip.  Well, I am happy to report that he left this morning. :)

My beta yesterday was 481.  Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling".  It went 61 above that!  I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter.  The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good.  They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...

In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am.  I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.

Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:

And a digi for good measure:

Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)

My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some.  My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.

I honestly don't know what to think.

I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta.  If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.

Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby.  My bleeding is the same.

My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.

WTF

My beta doubled.  I have been told to stay the course with my meds and come back in on Monday for another beta.  Oh, and to rest with my feet up as it appears that I could be miscarrying a twin.

Let's see, what else??

Oh, and just so you all know, I don't expect this to end well still. That may sound pessimistic, but I don't really hear a lot of low initial betas ending well. Try not to get all cheerleader-y because when the weekend ends, I figure all this will, too.  I want you guys to know that I am prepared for what is most likely to come. I will keep you all updated as I know more.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and offerings of sympathy.  I love you guys.

Beta Hell

My beta was 32.

I have to go back in on Wednesday to have my numbers rechecked.

They wanted them to be above 50.

This is what they call beta hell.

I am in it.

38 comments, VFPs, & My Babies!!

 Happy Tuesday!! What do you all think of my babies? Aren't they adorable? They really do resemble my side of the family. :)  Today, I stopped by the fertility clinic to have my progesterone levels checked and I picked up my babies first picture. I asked the nurse if she needed a blood draw for the progesterone or if showing her the welts on my bum would be sufficient enough. She thought I was funny. For real, though, my poor bum.  The welts are red, they're itchy, and they're ugly.  All for the best cause, though. Do you see my babies up there? :) Anything for them.

Yesterday, as an honest to goodness attempt to make good on my Iron Commentator endeavor, I commented on thirty eight blogs. I am officially ahead of the game.  It feels good. Everyone's story is unique and important. I always find myself writing a paragraph for a comment.  I also like to read their other posts and their About Me sections and their TTC stories. Wow, to connect on such a personal level with so many women is a privilege.  I hope they feel the same way when they come here.

Today I POAS. I know, I know. 8DPO and 3DP5DT is soo, so early. But there was a line. A VFP. A very faint positive. I'm going to keep it for myself for now, but will definitely share it when I put up progression pictures.

Can you believe it?! I'm a little pregnant. Who'd a thunk?

Follie Check Numero Uno

Happy Tuesday! I'm back from Florida and burnt to a crisp. I like it. I like it a lot.  Happy to be back home and have so many exciting things coming up! Gonna be PUPO in a little over a week. It's crazy - all this waiting and then everything happens so quickly!

I had my first follie check this morning and according to Dr. Awesome RE, I am responding perfectly. I have 14 measurable follies. Eight in right and 6 in my left. They range from 6.2mm to 10.8mm.  I am waiting to hear the results of my E2 to see if I need to change up my dosage on my medicines.  So far, stimming has been okay. My belly looks like a pin cushion and I have this lovely Lupron bruise to contend with (i.e. try to inject around):

Follistim is very gentle. Menopur burns.  I'm as hormonal as ever. Lucky DH.  This morning I asked him if he had remembered to request off work for Monday.  (My ER is scheduled for that day.)  He responds with, "For what?"  Needless to say, my head spun three times and pea soup went flying. Really? You can't remember what's going on next week?  I can see if it were just a procedure how it might slip his mind, but OUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO BE CONCEIVED THAT DAY.  Please remember if only for that reason.

Am I crazy to get upset over that?

If your answer is yes, please don't answer.

Teacher's Pet and IVF Calendar of Events!! Ooh and an Announcement!

Last night, DH and I went to IVF class and let me just say, that place was PACKED! "Helloo fellow Infertiles!!" I wanted to yell as we entered class, but something told me not everyone was in a joking mood. So we copped a squat in the back of the room and the powerpoint presentation quickly got underway. Within five minutes, my hand went up. I questioned. She answered. Five minutes later, up with the hand. Question/answer. And again. And again. And again. Before we took our five minute break, I had as many questions under my belt. Aub = 5, rest of the class = 0. During the break, DH told me to knock it off with the questions. I rolled my eyes and went straight to the nurse with seven more. They also took our picture with our spouses to put in our file. I thought that was nice. She said they keep a pic of people to remember which two go together and because they like to envision a face with the voice on the line. I thought that was cool. Props to them.  Session two of class started with a slide presentation on the ER and ET procedures. I asked eleven more questions. DH looked like he was going to explode. At one point, he tried to put my hand down.  Whatevs.  By the time it was all over, Aub = 23, IVF Class = 0. Afterward, the nurse thanked me SEVERAL times for asking questions. *pats self on back*

This morning, I had my uterus mapped and IVF blood work drawn.  Dr. Awesome RE said my uterus was "gorgeous" (have I mentioned I LOVE HIM?!!!) and he patted me on the back and sent me across the hall to the Fertility Institute to get my blood work and order my meds. I also got my dates!! It just made it all so real! My meds are Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Ovedril, and Progesterone in Oil.  I start Lupron on 2/12. I have a suppression check on 2/28. Then I start stims. I continue the Lupron, but then add Follistim (for three days) and Menopur (for nine days.) During that time, I'll have u/s every other day to monitor folly growth.  Then sometime on the 12th of March, I'll trigger with the Ovidrel.  ER on 3/14 (Progesterone in Oil injections starting that day) and ET on 3/19.  Pregnant on 3/19!! I am so excited and blessed and ready for this experience!!

By way of an announcement, I "outed" myself on Facebook as being infertile and I had a wonderful response! 13 beautiful expressions of support and one private message from a person I suspected had dealt with IF offering me her number and any support she could give. It was a great decision to make.  If anything, I want others to know that we are out there and that we struggle and we are survivors and we are strong.  I am so happy I spoke up!

the results are in

The nurse from my RE's office called with the results of DH's semen analysis.  They are as follows:

Count: 14.9 million/mL (Normal is 20 million/mL)

Motility:  46.2% (Normal is 50% or more)

Morphology:  There were no morphology results and the nurse was waiting for the lab to call her back and explain why.

Antisperm Antibody:  48% tested positive for Direct IGG antibodies
                                 58.8% tested positive for Direct IGA antibodies
                                 0% tested positive for Indirect IGG and IGA antibodies

We will never conceive a child naturally. We have an appointment Monday afternoon to discuss the results and our options option. IVF with ICSI.

I am numb.

I am angry.

I have never felt more regret than I do right now.  We should have never been so stupid to think that a vasectomy reversal would mean that we could have a child.

the waiting is the hardest part

Why is it that all we do is wait, wait, wait?  It's like I'm living my life in incriments of hours, days, and weeks. It can be so discouraging, knowing that so much is beyond our control and out of our hands.  I'm currently waiting to get the call about DH's s/a. We were told yesterday that they would have the results to our doctor's office some time yesterday afternoon.  My RE's nurse called at minutes til 5 to say that they had not received the results, but that she would "try" to call as soon as she got them. So. I. Wait.

The whole experience of giving the sample went fine. DH and I met over at the medical center and went up to the suite that housed the lab and the doctor's practice that would do our testing for us. We had to find a place that would not only do the s/a, but also the antisperm antibody test as well.  We filled out a single sheet of information and were escorted into a room where DH could "do his deed".  He informed me many times how humiliating it was for him to do such a thing and it took all but biting my tongue off not to say, "How about last week when me, you, and two strangers hung out in a dark room where one of the strangers put a wand up my t%^t and we all took a peek at my inside lady parts. Do you think THAT wasn't embarrassing for me?" I had to keep telling myself that men are just full grown babies sometimes and even if I don't ever get pregnant and get my baby, I'll always have him. :)

I'm really hoping to get some news today. It would be super helpful to my sanity if I didn't have to run for the phone every time the dryer buzzed. :/

Not copying off of my dear friend's blog (but kind of), since I quoted a song in my post title, I shall present the song in it's entirety here:

As soon as I hear something form my RE, I will pass on the news to you all.

a time to talk about it

I guess it's that time. I spent all day Sunday writing off any hope I had for this medicated cycle after learning that all of my husband's sperm were dead in my post-coital test.  What a slap in the face.  I still feel down about it, but I've moved on to numb and I've found when I'm numb, I can still function, make plans and carry on with my day.  Thank goodness for that.  Especially since it was necessary yesterday to make arrangements for the next step.

The next step is to get a full semen analysis of DH. We have taken peeks at some samples in the last few months, giving us confirmation of the success of his vas reversal. Just in November, I saw what seemed to be millions of sperm swimming happily in their fluid almost two hours outside of his body.  I'm praying we get good results from the semen analysis, which is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.  Since he has had a vas/vas reversal they will also be testing him for antisperm antibodies, which you can read about here.  It's too long and complicated for me to describe and this article does a good job of explaining it.

Of course, I've already started to obsess over the "possible" results of the analysis.  I doubt it's low count/low motility. I'm no expert, but the amount of sperm I saw under the microscope in early November from a very small amount of his entire sample equaled millions of sperm in my mind. The urologist said they looked great, were all swimming forward and there was A LOT of them. Maybe I shouldn't count out low count/motility as a result, but it really hasn't crossed my mind.

The antisperm antibody is a completely different animal. IF he has the antibody, we really need it to be attached to the tail of the sperm.  An IUI would be an "easy" fix (as if any of this is easy).  The antibody on the tail keeps the sperm from being able to swim properly. The IUI would get them closer to the goal and give us pretty good chances at conceiving.  IF the antibody is attached to the head of the sperm, we would be recommended IVF with ICSI. I really haven't even allowed my mind to wrap around the idea of IVF. When we set out to complete our family, I never would have imagined facing those three letters. That's all I can really say about that right now. I can't let my mind go there yet.

IF his sperm live outside his body but not in mine, it makes sense to me that it's my CM killing them. That, my friends, would be awesome. Another Femara cycle with an IUI and we would be golden.

I'm going with option "D." It most certainly will be my CM and we will fix it easily next month. I'm setting myself up big time here, I know, but I have to believe that some part of this will be easy. Cut me a break, right? :/