ICLW and 2DP5DT

Welcome to my blog ICLWers!! I am going to more than make up for my lack of commenting and returning comments last month by attempting to be an Iron Commentator this month. It will be my act of redemption.  I am 30 and so is DH. We are TTC #3 and I am currently PUPO with twins via IVF with ICSI. In January, DH was diagnosed with antisperm antibodies and although we were given the three IUIs option, we opted to jump into the deep end of IF and go straight to IVF. Honestly, I just didn't think the IUIs would work.  Too much reading about the condition led us to go for what we felt was our best chance at conceiving.  So, that's about it. Grab a seat. Stay a while. At least hang on until next Monday when I have my beta!

So, at 2DP5DT, I am feeling kind of neutral. I keep having positive thoughts for the sake of my little embabies that are trying to make a home in my womb.  My mood is peppered with moments of doubt and fear. We didn't receive a phone call yesterday, so none of the other seven embryos we had made it to freeze. I won't lie, I cried. I cried because they didn't get the chance to grow and develop and become our children.  I cried because I feel even more pressure for this to work with what we have in there. I'm not sure if it's something that anyone else that I've talked to about understands. I get the feeling that people are too encouraging sometimes.  Too optimistic. Is that awful for me to say?  I don't know.

What I do know is I have to allow my mind to go to a place where this may not work.  I have to prepare myself emotionally for "no".  Now that we don't have any frosties, "no" means a lot more. It most likely means the end of the line for us and TTC.   I can't see going through this again. Hope for the best. Expect the disappointment. That's what IF has taught me.

Now that I sound like Debbie Downer (sorry), I will say that I'm feeling crampy, which I think is good. I rub my belly a lot and talk to my embabies. DH says goodnight to them and asked them several times over the weekend if they were still in there - lol.  I'm thirsty and get over-heated easily. There's also this weird pulling sensation at the very tops of my legs. Don't know what that's all about.  I think they will be implanting today and tomorrow. I was thinking of POAS maybe Thursday, but probably Wednesday.

If you don't visit my blog again, I want you to leave knowing that I believe with all my heart that I will get some sort of happy ending.  I think we all will. Even if it's not the one we originally thought we'd have.  There's a saying I love and it's (something like) "Everything ends happily. If you're not happy, it isn't the end." Or something to that effect. You get the point. :)

"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."

The above quote by Arthur Helps never meant much to a girl like myself. Sure, I've always considered myself to be a strong individual, as life has a way of wearing you down and making you better than you were before by meeting and overcoming various trials.  The thing is: life has been pretty good to me. I'm a happy person who has not experienced *too* much heartache, although I've had lots of interesting surprises.  :)

I met my husband in early 2001 and we fell hard and fast for each other. We were married in July and our son, who I'll refer to as DS1, was born seven months later.  A beautiful, healthy, Depo-Provera baby boy.  A wonderful surprise.

Fast forward to 2005 and after a month of not trying and not preventing pregnancy, we happily found out that we were expecting our second son, DS2.  Another surprise, but not so much.  It was time to give DS1 a sibling and a little brother was a wonderful gift for him.

Pregnancy has always been an easy feat for DH and I. We were the ones who jokingly told people, "All DH had to do was walk past me and voila! I was pregnant." Ugh. Just knowing I was the type of person who used to say that sort of thing makes me want to defriend myself.

Which I suppose brings me to the point of why my fingers are moving across my keyboard right now, as well as why the above quote has a special meaning to me today.  This blog is about us trying to have a baby. Actually trying. Planned out...perfectly.  Except that it's not going perfectly. In fact, it's not really going at all. This is hard work. And it kind of sucks. Who knew?  Not this girl.

A friend of mine has been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than me. A LOT longer. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself each failed cycle knowing that she's had five and a half times the failed cycles that I've had. Also, she's trying ttc baby number one. I already have two beautiful children.  The reason I bring her up is because she finds blogging about ttc to be therapeutic. At this point, I could use an outlet.  Most of the time, I feel sad and frustrated. It's also very lonely.  I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help me to organize the feelings and thoughts that so often cloud my brain and keep me awake at night.

So, welcome to my blog! Whether you found it by chance or by invitation, I'm happy to have you along for this crazy ride.  Hopefully, it's one that ends with me expanding my family by two feet. :)