Ten Days of Company and Looking Ahead

I am not dead :)

Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days.  We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues.  It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.

On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE.  It was more of a sit down and discuss.  He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again.  Hooray for some type of normalcy!  We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors.  First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage.  He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September.  We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC.  There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.

Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...

If it Weren't for Bad News, There Would be No News

Warning: I curse at the end of this post. Offended? Don't read.

Last night, I ran a fever.  Out of concern, I called the RE's office and let them know. Of course, they wanted me to come in so they could take a look.  The good news? RE thinks that the fever is viral and that it would pass within a day or two.

Bad news:  Fetal heart rate was down to 97. Monday it was 103.  RE is "concerned".  Says time will tell and we will recheck on Monday.  He also marked my check-out sheet "high risk pregnancy" for the first time ever and I found the reason why on Dr. Google.

http://radiology.rsna.org/content/236/2/643.full

Don't feel like reading it? Here is the gist.  In 300 pregnancies where a low embryonic heart rate was found at 6-7 weeks (low = 100 bpm or less at 6.3 - 7.0 weeks), 188 or 60.6% ended before the first trimester was over.  Many ended within a week.  (As in, go back for recheck and find out that fetal cardiac activity had ceased.)

I fall into this category. Yay! Can't wait to go in on Monday and see whether or not my baby died. And the best part? Even if the heart rate recovers, my chances of "first trimester demise" are still 25% higher than most pregnancies.

Fuck you IVF. Fuck the last 3 months of my life and all the hope I had that this bullshit would work, too.

Miscalculated LMP and the Discovery of "The Source"

If you are uber observant, then perhaps you noticed that my pregnancy ticker has been adjusted. (Just so you know, I don't really expect any of you to have noticed that, but it has been adjusted so I thought I'd share why.)  I went in for my U/S this morning and noticed that they have my LMP (last menstrual period) as 3/3/11.  I thought it was 2/28/11 since my babies were conceived on 3/14/11. Silly me just assumed that the kiddos were created on the "Day 14" of my cycle and apparently, they were fertilized on "Day 11".  No worries, I'm just not 7 weeks pregnant today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days. Due date is 12/8/11. (That seems really far away, doesn't it?)

Baby is measuring one day behind and I was told not to worry about that discrepancy.  One day does not matter, but three or four days would, so I am choosing not to worry about this.  Heart rate was 103 and I was told that for a 6 week, 4 day old fetus, that is perfectly within normal range. At about 8 weeks, the heart rate will jump up to the 120-160 range.  I am also okay with this.  Baby is measuring .60 cm. Last Tuesday, baby was .20 cm and when converted to mm, baby grew from 2 mm to 6 mm which is also good.  Dr. Awesome RE also found what he believes to be the cause of the bleeding - a hematoma near the baby that is very small (hopefully all bled out!).  I am really pleased to have found a cause. All this unexplained bleeding was not sitting right with me.  There has to be a reason, right?! 

I am to come back in one week for another U/S. I am hoping that I can be released to an OB at that point.  I just need one week of no drama!!  RE recommended continued limited activity including lots of rest, no sex, no hot baths, no hot tubs or saunas, etc.

All in all, a great report! :)

The Dreaded Red and True Love

Today has been "interesting".  What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy.  I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store.

At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks.  I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.

I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck.  I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it.  I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound.  I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.

DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand.  I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen.  A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.

One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart.  Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.

We are in love.

And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.

Too Scared to Screw?

Yep. This post is about sex.  Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. It needs to be blogged about because it's kind of what's NOT been going on around here.  I won't be offended if you don't read or comment. It's all good. :)

So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed.  It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.

Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.

It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.)  Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition.  We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.

It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....

PUPO with Twins!!

Sorry it's taken me so long today to update you all on the transfer. We went in at nine a.m. and had to wait a little while for the retrieval that was scheduled ahead of us to finish. My appointment was for 9:30, but we didn't get called back until close to ten.  Needless to say, I was more than anxious at that point!

We went into a conference area with Dr. Awesome RE and he informed us that we had two Grade C embryos ready for transfer.  I immediately wondered why they weren't an A or even a B. (I mean, come on, my husband is an engineer and while I lack a wealth of book smarts, I have incredible life skills and am full of common sense.)   Dr. Awesome RE said that although As and Bs were not impossible, he rarely saw any embryos receive such high marks there. Their grading criteria is very harsh and Cs and even Ds are what he mainly transfers.  I had read a few other blogs where they had A+ embryos for transfer and while, kudos for them, I actually felt really good knowing that ours had gone through a very difficult grading system and came out with the marks that they did. No worrying! Not today!

We went back to the area where I was placed to await ER and I was told to strip down from the waist down and that DH could put on some scrubs over his clothes. I snapped this picture of us before we got ready:

 Awe....the mama and the papa :) 

Then we got all dressed  (or undressed as it was for me!) and ready. I snapped this pic of DH and Dr. Awesome RE:

 

Spacemen

 After that, I was wheeled into the OR where I had just had my ER on Monday. They kept me on the stretcher for the whole thing to keep me from having to get up afterward. Dr. Awesome RE placed a speculum (think pap smear) into my vagina and then started squirting down my lady parts with saline and talking about how he was creating as sterile an environment for the catheter with the embabies as possible.  After the douching, he showed us the catheter that he would be using to insert into my uterus via my cervix.  There are actually two catheters: a white outer one for insertion and a clear smaller one that goes inside of the white one that would have the embabies in it.  Once he positioned the white catheter, he asked the embryologist to get the clear one with the embabies, a.k.a. the "loaded" one, from the lab next door.  When she returned holding that little clear tube, I lost it. I started bawling. I couldn't believe that my babies were in there! He inserted the clear tube into the white one, pushed the plunger on the end and voila! I was pregnant with twins.  DH was so sweet. He kept a hold of my hand and wiped my tears with his other one. I was very unprepared for all of my emotions, so I was happy to have his hand as a kleenex. :)

That was it. Took all of five minutes  We hugged and kissed when we got back to our little holding area and closed the curtain. DH went on and on about how cool it was (I knew it would hit him eventually!).  I laid there for an hour and then we came home. Like nothing had even happened. But everything has happened. I've got two little babies inside of me. Please pray that they snuggle down next to their mama and grow.

Love to all...

Egg Retrieval and the Anesthesiologist of my Dreams...

Today was the big day!! All these shots, hormones, emotions, and heavy ovaries culminated in what ended up being a very anti-climatic egg retrieval.  Yat for that!  I slept well last night.  I woke up at five and didn't go back to sleep after that, but the alarm was set for 6:15 and my anxiety kept me occupied for that hour and fifteen minutes.  All was good.

I showered, dressed, straightened my hair, put on a little make-up and we were out the door at 7oh3.  We arrived at the fertility institute and I was in my gown, IVed up, cracking jokes with Dr. Awesome RE and shaking hands with Mr. Anesthesiologist by quartertuh8.  I kissed DH goodbye and stopped to pee on the way into the OR room (which was only about twenty paces from where I left DH).  I had mixed emotions about him being so close to the room where they were going to be jabbing my lady parts with needles.  What if I screamed or cried or called out to him during the procedure? I remember my friend Lisa saying that she felt everything during her retrieval and going from her experience, I was going to need a stick to bite down on or at least an inflatable clown to punch.

Once in the room, I put my legs into these cradles which were similar to stirrups, but oddly comfy and Dr. Awesome RE kept me covered while he prepped the u/s machine which I found to be very thoughtful of him. What if my vagina had a case of the Mondays and wasn't ready for its close up just yet?  He really does think of everything. :)  Dr. Anesthesiologist man offered me up a morning martini that I just couldn't refuse. While we waited for the drugs to work their magic (which I was still skeptical that they would), I asked RE if he would work quickly because I was hungry and there was a Panera Bread across the street from the hospital that was calling my name.  A playful conversation ensued with everyone in the OR sharing what their favorite bagel/bagel toppings were from there.  Shortly after I declared, "Cinnamon Crunch bagel with butter," I passed out. C.O.L.D.

I woke up with a Sprite in my hand and my DH by my side. (How is THAT for service??) Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Is it over?

DH: Yeah.

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen.

Two minutes later...

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH:  Fifteen.

Me: *sips Sprite.

Two minutes later...

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen, Aub.

Me:  Oh right.........................................so, how many eggs then?

DH:  Fifteen. Listen, I gotta go make dirty with this here cup.

Yeah, it took a while for me to retain any facts pertaining to the retrieval.  What I DO know is this:

~ I slept the whole time and have no recollection at all of the procedure.  For that I am eternally grateful to the man who calls himself "Anesthesiologist".

~ Wow for fifteen eggs! I knew I had it in me. (Really, I knew I had them in there. There was every bit of fifteen eggs in my swollen, heavy ovaries.)

~ In a fertility institute, twenty minutes from where I sit blogging......I have babies. How awesome is that?!

Will receive fertilization report in the morning.  Can't wait to update you all then.

In Awe & Very, Very Thankful

With tomorrow's ER looming overhead, I find myself feeling very emotional. Of course, I could attribute everything to my hormones and think nothing more of it, but what I'm feeling goes so much deeper than just high estrogen levels.

I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours.  I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child.  I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again. 

I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents.  As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.

As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy.  This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!

I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon.  It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored.  I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!).  I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.

Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time.  Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.

Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!

Follie Check Tres and OhhhEmmmGeee

This morning was my third and final follie check! Bright and early, I dragged my ovaries to the appointment. They are so heavy and full.  Blood draw same as usual.  U/s - not so usual.  We lubed up the dildo cam and took a look at the right ovary. Dr. Awesome RE said he was happy with anything over a "10" and he measured around 7 follies all 13mm and above.  He  moved over to the left ovary and the first words out of his mouth were, "You need to come in Monday for retrieval."  On the screen were 3 huge black circles.  These suckers measured 23mm plus (averaged down to 20mm or so)!  No wonder I'm feeling so full and uncomfortable!  Yikes!  He wasn't concerned, but the change in schedule concerned me. I'm a planner and I had previously been planning on a Monday retrieval. When my appointments started this week, however, they kept saying it wouldn't be until Tuesday, so I planned for Tuesday. Now it's back to Monday and I feel so ill-prepared!! I was going to cook all day Monday and get some last minute errands ran and whatnot. So much for that, right?!

A few hours ago, Awesome nurse Karen called to say that my estrogen was 2176. TWENTY ONE SEVENTY SIX!!!!  Holy hormones, batman! This is where they want it to be, but I'm sure DH would like it much, MUCH lower. :)

So, tonight at eight o'clock sharp, I will trigger with the Ovidrel.  Tomorrow, I get to take one blissful day off from shots. Hallelujah.

Of course, Monday will welcome the start of the really fun shots. Progesterone in oil. Right in the a$$.  Can't wait.

Follie Check Numero Dos

Happy Friday and can I get a "Thank Jeebus, this week of stimming is coming to an end?!!"  Holy ovaries!  I've been handling things well (for the most part) but these emotions and these ovaries are heavy and intense. 

Yesterday, I had a follie check. Twelve follicles measuring 8.5 to 15.8.  Dr. Awesome RE was giddy with excitement over it all. All of it. My lady parts are "gorgeous" and everything is going "perfectly". Twice, I caught DH rolling his eyes, but I think he's just jealous that nobody is up in his manhood using such terms.  In reality, I just think that my RE has a lot of ladies who don't respond well to the meds and maybe that's why he is so excited over it all. My lining was 10 and that's a great thing, too. They called a few hours laer to say to stay the same course with my Menopur (1mL to two vials of powder = 150mL dosing) and that my estrogen was 915.

Let us briefly review. Nine days ago, my estrogen was 38.  Six days later, it was 358.  Forty eight hours later, it was 915.  To me, that makes laying on the floor of my closet and bawling last night perfectly legit.  Dr. Awesome RE confirmed with DH that me being emotional is a perfectly normal response to all these hormones coursing through my veins. Again, DH rolls his eyes.  I think he'd rather think I was crazy, which would make his less than warm response to my antics justifiable. But I digress. He thinks, I feel. I'm yin, he's yang. I say tomay - toe, he says tomah - toe. And so on and so on.

Last follie check bright and early tomorrow morning!  Will update after!

Mama Mia!

Yesterday, I asked DH if he would come home from work and kindly slap me in the face.  The kind of slap that you reserve for those, "What were you thinking?" moments. For example, "Honey, I contacted a real estate agent and went house hunting today. I found a few houses I want you to see." SLAP! "Why would you do that? We aren't settling down here. It took us forever to sell the two houses we did own and we lost a lot of money on one of them. We decided to rent for the next few years."  OR "Honey, I bought an Aston Martin." SLAP! No explanation necessary.*

Well, yesterday it went a little something like this:  Me - "Honey, please slap me in the face when you get home from work for telling my mom we are doing IVF." DH - "I told you so." It all started with a phone call I got from her where she informed me that she had had a "panic attack" over my doctor's appointment yesterday. She was worried that 14 follicles meant 14 babies and what would we do with 14 babies and (get this) "Can they only take out two eggs and fertilize them?" She also made me explain several times over again things I've told her already.  Really? Are these the types of questions I have to field the week before ER/ET?  I have my own concerns to deal with without having to explain the process in detail to someone who clearly hasn't even tried to look up any information on their own and understand it.  Part of me just has to let it go and tell myself that she loves me and is worried. Part of me wants to scream. I'll give you one guess which part is winning.

At any rate, I can't let it bother me. She called again today and started in with her interrogation and I just told her that I couldn't handle her stress on top of my own.  I asked her if she had looked up IVF at all and she admitted that she hadn't. I told her to check out online resources and try to educate herself about the process.  The internet is a mighty powerful thing. Just stop playing Farmville for a few minutes and read about it.

I found out yesterday that my estrogen is 381 and Dr. Awesome RE wants me to double up on my Menopur and I'm done with Follistim.  I go back in tomorrow morning for another follie check/blood draw.  I will be sure to update after!

*Please note: My husband has NEVER raised a hand to me and I do not condone those types of behavior by any means. I use the term in jest and he knows what I mean when I ask for this treatment. It's just me being dramatic.  He does spank sometimes, but that is a completely different post altogether. ;)

Follie Check Numero Uno

Happy Tuesday! I'm back from Florida and burnt to a crisp. I like it. I like it a lot.  Happy to be back home and have so many exciting things coming up! Gonna be PUPO in a little over a week. It's crazy - all this waiting and then everything happens so quickly!

I had my first follie check this morning and according to Dr. Awesome RE, I am responding perfectly. I have 14 measurable follies. Eight in right and 6 in my left. They range from 6.2mm to 10.8mm.  I am waiting to hear the results of my E2 to see if I need to change up my dosage on my medicines.  So far, stimming has been okay. My belly looks like a pin cushion and I have this lovely Lupron bruise to contend with (i.e. try to inject around):

Follistim is very gentle. Menopur burns.  I'm as hormonal as ever. Lucky DH.  This morning I asked him if he had remembered to request off work for Monday.  (My ER is scheduled for that day.)  He responds with, "For what?"  Needless to say, my head spun three times and pea soup went flying. Really? You can't remember what's going on next week?  I can see if it were just a procedure how it might slip his mind, but OUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO BE CONCEIVED THAT DAY.  Please remember if only for that reason.

Am I crazy to get upset over that?

If your answer is yes, please don't answer.

Frozen In Time

I feel frozen in time. There is nothing going on here.  Not as far as TTC is concerned.  I am STILL waiting for my meds to get here, if you can believe that.  I waited all day Friday for them to arrive and finally called the pharmacy to see what was up and the woman informed me that she did not send them. She did not send the medicine I waited all day to sign for. She did not send them. She did not call to say she did not send them. Nope.  So she sent them yesterday. So I wait today. And she sent my Follistim to someone else and now she's out of that. So another day in the upcoming week or so, I'll have to wait for that too.

Although, we are suspended in time over here, we are not without big decisions to make.  We need to decide how many of my eggs we are going to fertilize.  I know, most people would answer, "As many as you can, crazy!!" but we need to play this IVF very conservatively. DH and I are setting out to complete our family and we are not down with having frozen embies.  We keep going back and forth about what to do, but we feel like we (hopefully) have a good plan in place for now.  We are going to get as many eggs as possible, but Dr. Awesome RE recommended we only fertilize four at a time.  The rest of the eggs, we will freeze and IF our cycle fails, we can thaw out and fertilize more eggs, but if it is a success, we will simply have the eggs destroyed.  This decision is hard to make. Lots of personal beliefs and morals come into play and it all comes down to what DH and I feel comfortable with doing.

The only question that remains is wondering if fertilizing four is enough? I worry that maybe that is too few?  There are people out there that get twenty plus eggs, fertilize ten of them and still only end up with two to transfer.  Ugh.

Why is IF so hard??

Why in the hell do we have to think of stuff like this?

My brain hurts.

How to Make It Through

I've decided this month is just going to drag on relentlessly if I don't come up with a list of things to do while I wait to start stimming in March. It's ridiculous that the shortest month of the year is ALWAYS the longest.  All I have to do as far as TTC is concerned is take my bc and start Lupron injections on the 15th.  I guess I can also enjoy the newfound fun in BDing (although that has nothing to do with conceiving anymore).  So, I'm going to start a list of things to do to get me through this lull.  Some things are fun, others necessary.  In no particular order:

1.  Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt.  I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in.  Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!

2.  I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious.  Now I am.  I'm calling today for an appointment to get started.  Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush.  I'll laser it if I want to.

3.  Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it.  Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!

4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.

5.  I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2.  Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention.  They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.

6.  I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner.  I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over.  I want to find new recipes and try them.  If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!

I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!

Teacher's Pet and IVF Calendar of Events!! Ooh and an Announcement!

Last night, DH and I went to IVF class and let me just say, that place was PACKED! "Helloo fellow Infertiles!!" I wanted to yell as we entered class, but something told me not everyone was in a joking mood. So we copped a squat in the back of the room and the powerpoint presentation quickly got underway. Within five minutes, my hand went up. I questioned. She answered. Five minutes later, up with the hand. Question/answer. And again. And again. And again. Before we took our five minute break, I had as many questions under my belt. Aub = 5, rest of the class = 0. During the break, DH told me to knock it off with the questions. I rolled my eyes and went straight to the nurse with seven more. They also took our picture with our spouses to put in our file. I thought that was nice. She said they keep a pic of people to remember which two go together and because they like to envision a face with the voice on the line. I thought that was cool. Props to them.  Session two of class started with a slide presentation on the ER and ET procedures. I asked eleven more questions. DH looked like he was going to explode. At one point, he tried to put my hand down.  Whatevs.  By the time it was all over, Aub = 23, IVF Class = 0. Afterward, the nurse thanked me SEVERAL times for asking questions. *pats self on back*

This morning, I had my uterus mapped and IVF blood work drawn.  Dr. Awesome RE said my uterus was "gorgeous" (have I mentioned I LOVE HIM?!!!) and he patted me on the back and sent me across the hall to the Fertility Institute to get my blood work and order my meds. I also got my dates!! It just made it all so real! My meds are Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Ovedril, and Progesterone in Oil.  I start Lupron on 2/12. I have a suppression check on 2/28. Then I start stims. I continue the Lupron, but then add Follistim (for three days) and Menopur (for nine days.) During that time, I'll have u/s every other day to monitor folly growth.  Then sometime on the 12th of March, I'll trigger with the Ovidrel.  ER on 3/14 (Progesterone in Oil injections starting that day) and ET on 3/19.  Pregnant on 3/19!! I am so excited and blessed and ready for this experience!!

By way of an announcement, I "outed" myself on Facebook as being infertile and I had a wonderful response! 13 beautiful expressions of support and one private message from a person I suspected had dealt with IF offering me her number and any support she could give. It was a great decision to make.  If anything, I want others to know that we are out there and that we struggle and we are survivors and we are strong.  I am so happy I spoke up!

My First ICLW and a Sad Saturday :(

Yay! My first ICLW! Welcome to my blog. I'm Aub, an almost 30 something and DH will be 31 soon.  We have been TTC #3 since 2010.We were not even considered infertile by our RE (we haven't been trying yet for a year) but I started seeing him because my cycles were irregular and ovulation was not always predictable.  I just completed a perfectly timed Femara cycle this month and during it all, we found out through a s/a that DH tested positive for two antisperm antibodies.  We have been been diagnosed with MF IF and are starting down the path of IVF with ICSI.  Pretty heavy diagnosis to swallow..

Today is a sad Saturday for me. My mom, who has been visiting from West Virginia for the week, is leaving today.  We just moved from the Pittsburgh, PA area to Oklahoma City, OK five months ago and I have been so very homesick for my parents and the mountains of West Virginia.  I went back for a brief visit in November and was planning on going back with my two sons in March for spring break, but I'll be in my TWW from my ET and I think Dr. Awesome RE would heavily discourage me from traveling when I'm supposed to be giving my embies a fair shot at implanting.

Now, I'm not a selfish brat. I know what's important and what is the right thing to do. We are trying to complete our family via some of the most invasive and expensive means possible and it would be silly stupid to risk it all just to go home and visit my family and friends.  I've been debating on putting off the whole IVF cycle until I go home, see everyone that I miss, recharge, reboot, re-Aub.  Honestly, I don't know what to do.  I have my birth control pills, AF is due today.  IVF class is scheduled for Tuesday at 4.  I will need to make my appointment for Monday or Wednesday for my u/s and mapping. I feel bad because the wheels have been set in motion for IVF NOW.  Would it be so bad if I just waited? Could I just wait?

Ugh. Sorry to be such a drama queen.

Here's a song that I like.  It suits my mood today, feeling "Cuckoo":)

Cuckoo by Lissie

Sink or Swim: IVF Here We Come!!!

So, I tend to always give away the point of my post in the title. We had our consult with the wonderful RE whom I adore.  He carefully explained the results of DH's s/a with us and then he sat back, drew a deep breath and recommended we try three months of inseminations.  HUH?!

He said that three was a good number. Give it our best effort. Then move on to IVF if they failed. He said he would amend his plan of treatment and move directly to IVF if he felt that my mental stability would be compromised if all three IUIs failed.  Then he asked me to stop biting my lip and tell him my thoughts on it all.

I told him that had he recommended the inseminations three months ago (impossible, we didn't even know each other), I would totally be for "giving it our best effort".  Recently, however, I've been a part of too many dialogues and read too many studies where people who are in similar situations with antisperm antibodies tried in vain with IUIs to get pregnant.  Each and every one achieved success through IVF. DH and I are very results-driven people and three more months of nothing would feel like a lifetime and we are NOT in the business of spinning our wheels and and spending our dollars and getting no where.

Dr. Awesome RE immediately pulled out his tape recorder thingy-ma-bob and started recording his summation of our visit saying, "In the interest of time and sanity, patient has decided to forgo inseminations and move directly to IVF."  So, it was done.

We went across the hall to the hospital's fertility clinic, scheduled our IVF class for Tuesday, January 25th (my birthday!), got our manila envelope of paperwork and a packet of birth control pills to start on CD 3 (sometime this weekend!).

Wow, talk about jumping in the deep end! I hope we swim!! :)

Looking Forward With Hope

I need to start off by thanking everyone for all their kind words and for just putting up with me the past few days. I haven't been that easy to deal with and I'm fairly certain I'm done wallowing in my self-pity.  I feel so thankful to still have an option and I feel so thankful to have all of you and your beautiful words that picked me up when it all was just too much to take.

I am looking forward. Tomorrow, we have our IVF consult and we are working on a list of questions for my RE. It feels good to be making plans. It feels good to be looking forward to the next stage.  Finding out that our option was one and not a very ideal one was by far the biggest kick in the teeth thus far, but in the darkest part of it all, I let go. I let go of all of this control that I've been holding onto and now I feel a little bit like I'm falling. I don't know where I'm going to land, but I trust that the hands that catch me are those of ones I trust and love: God, my DH, my family, my wonderful friends (you all included, of course!),  my RE, whom I trust and know without a doubt has my very best interests at heart. I think, in a way, I will be there to catch myself, too. Each time I get knocked down, I get up stronger than I was before the blow.  This has truly been a journey of self-discovery.

My blog title comes from the quote "Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."

How true these words feel today...

the results are in

The nurse from my RE's office called with the results of DH's semen analysis.  They are as follows:

Count: 14.9 million/mL (Normal is 20 million/mL)

Motility:  46.2% (Normal is 50% or more)

Morphology:  There were no morphology results and the nurse was waiting for the lab to call her back and explain why.

Antisperm Antibody:  48% tested positive for Direct IGG antibodies
                                 58.8% tested positive for Direct IGA antibodies
                                 0% tested positive for Indirect IGG and IGA antibodies

We will never conceive a child naturally. We have an appointment Monday afternoon to discuss the results and our options option. IVF with ICSI.

I am numb.

I am angry.

I have never felt more regret than I do right now.  We should have never been so stupid to think that a vasectomy reversal would mean that we could have a child.

the waiting is the hardest part

Why is it that all we do is wait, wait, wait?  It's like I'm living my life in incriments of hours, days, and weeks. It can be so discouraging, knowing that so much is beyond our control and out of our hands.  I'm currently waiting to get the call about DH's s/a. We were told yesterday that they would have the results to our doctor's office some time yesterday afternoon.  My RE's nurse called at minutes til 5 to say that they had not received the results, but that she would "try" to call as soon as she got them. So. I. Wait.

The whole experience of giving the sample went fine. DH and I met over at the medical center and went up to the suite that housed the lab and the doctor's practice that would do our testing for us. We had to find a place that would not only do the s/a, but also the antisperm antibody test as well.  We filled out a single sheet of information and were escorted into a room where DH could "do his deed".  He informed me many times how humiliating it was for him to do such a thing and it took all but biting my tongue off not to say, "How about last week when me, you, and two strangers hung out in a dark room where one of the strangers put a wand up my t%^t and we all took a peek at my inside lady parts. Do you think THAT wasn't embarrassing for me?" I had to keep telling myself that men are just full grown babies sometimes and even if I don't ever get pregnant and get my baby, I'll always have him. :)

I'm really hoping to get some news today. It would be super helpful to my sanity if I didn't have to run for the phone every time the dryer buzzed. :/

Not copying off of my dear friend's blog (but kind of), since I quoted a song in my post title, I shall present the song in it's entirety here:

As soon as I hear something form my RE, I will pass on the news to you all.