Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

Rage Against the Fertility Feed

This post has all the makings of a good old-fashioned rant. If you want no part of it, please opt out here.  I'm telling warning you, it could will get ugly.  If you want no part of it, I understand. Just exit here.  Okay, if you are still here, I assume you are willing and able to understand the hormonal rant that is about to ensue.  I'll keep my anger limited to three subjects.

1.)  Is it too much to ask for just one time to log on to facebook and NOT see the inside of someone's uterus?  It's bad enough that EVERYONE I ran cross country with in high school is pregnant. (Don't read this as me not being happy for them, read this as a person who desperately wants to be pregnant getting slapped in the face daily, repeatedly by what she will now unaffectionately refer to as the "Fertility Feed.")  Is it too much to request that people not put weekly updates of their fetus' development on FACEBOOK?  Who would click on those links (infertile or otherwise)?  Part of me would love to publicly document my IVF cycle on facebook, just to level the playing field. If infertility affects one in ten couples, I think it would be awesome for somebody (think "me") to put a story out there that disproves the popular belief that touching a penis gets you pregnant.  I'm stuck here, peeps. So, so many pregos and on a day like today, I have to physically restrain myself from hiding them from my newsfeed.  Ugh. On a side note, I've gotten awesome at skipping and skimming. If it appears that a girl is standing sideways in a pic to show off a belly, my eyes go right over it and keep on going. "Selective Facebooking" is what I call it.

2.) Where in the hell is my period?  Again, is it too much to ask to NOT have to wait for her when I know she's coming? Dr. Awesome RE told us that we would NEVER conceive another child naturally. It's not like I'm sitting here with false hope thinking that sperm and egg have united and that a little bit of magic is going on inside my womb right now.  I'm not getting tricked into taking a WondFo, Flo. Just get here, ya beeyotch, so I can get on with my life IVF. 

3.)  My husband came home a little while ago from a 10 mile run and proceeded to waft around the house smelling like a wet dog. Bear in mind, odor is my constant enemy. Living with three men and a dog (who used to be a man before we had his you knows cut off) puts me on smell duty all the time. A candle is always burning, dirty dishes don't sit in the dishwasher, dirty laundry doesn't sit in the hampers, and the garbage is always taken out before it start to stink.  So, as you can imagine, walking around smelling like a wet, stinky dog man is UNacceptable.  Part of me knows he did it on purpose just because he subscribes to the eighth grade boy school of thought where if you like a girl, you piss her off just to put out the vibe that you like her.

I know as far as rants go, this could be way worse.  Part of me feels bad about the facebook rant.  It's not like it's those girl's fault for being fertile. It's not our fault for being infertile.  It's just that fertility is everywhere, completely acceptable to be pregnant regardless of the situation surrounding it all. Infertility is taboo and that is unjust and even if no one cares about it, it should be in their faces, too.

I don't feel bad about the husband rant, but I will amend myself where I said he did it on purpose.  He was probably clueless to his smell.  He doesn't think any of his "smells" smell.

As far as AF is concerned, she can go %$*^ herself.

***EDIT**** I just signed out, went to the bathroom and SHE'S HERE. Woo hoo!! CD One! Birth control to start on Tuesday! :)

CD One

No big revelation as to what this post will be about. The title most certainly gives it away.  I find myself staring down the barrel of another cycle as AF decided to make her grand appearance on Christmas Eve. In the fitting room. At Gap. Yay me.

Gap worker- "How are those jeans working out for you?"

Me- "Do you have a tampon?"

Yep. That's how it went down in one of the ugliest AF showdowns (or show ups?) in recent history.  I'm just happy she came, being that I had expected her since Monday.  Which begs the question, "Why weren't you prepared for her arrival?"  I can only say, "Wishful thinking" in response. It was a break cycle and the good thing about them is they carry no expectations. It would have been nice to have made a little baby down in the Bahamas, but the quality of the BDing was sub par and DH knows this as I have reminded him several times.  How cool, though, to call my RE's office and tell them that I no longer required their services? Ah, I digress.

Three days in and looking forward to my u/s tomorrow. Hoping for a good report and to be walking out of there with an rx for Femara in hand. I'll be starting Tuesday and taking it through Saturday. Finishing on January first. The new year.

There I go again with the hope.

We took the boys to their first (mine, too!) NBA game last night and they were thrilled (me too!).  Here's some pics from the outing I thought I'd share. The Thunder won!  Afterward, we took a drive through where my husband works and showed the boys the Christmas lights they put up there. Insane how tightly wrapped those trees are in lights! Enjoy!

Fast Forward to a Time Where Nothing Makes Sense

I've been negligent in my blogging. In my defense, I knew I wouldn't post for well over a week because DH, the boys, and I went on a little trip to the Bahamas. Cleared our heads, got some tans, had some drinks. Feeling ready to tackle this week. It's going to be a big one! First thing is first, though:

I feel like I'm fast forwarding big time in the stream of events, but basically, after DH and I were cleared to start trying for a baby, my body stopped making sense. Great timing  for the plumbing to bust. Way. To. Go. You see, I've always been one to have a very reliable cycle. AF came on the day I expected her at around 10 in the morning.  She lasted five days and we parted ways for another 28 days. This is the life I am accustomed to.  However, since January of this year, AF has been an illusive bitch. Sorry, but I will not censor myself when speaking of her. She now shows up whenever she feels like it. Could be 25 days or it could be 40. Since January, she's been wrecking havoc on my life and as I type, I am sitting on one butt cheek. Why? Oh, because I ovulated two days ago and my whole right side and lower back are in a constant state of cramping. Normal? I think not.  It also feels as if there is a five pound weight in my va-jay-jay. I checked and there isn't. I'm fairly certain that's not normal either. :(

I contacted my gyno about my concerns and she feels that varying cycle lengths are "not a big concern." Also, painful ovulation can be "normal." Gee, thanks for that. Is your degree in answering question without really answering them? Cause you're awesome at it. And what about me? If I know something isn't normal for me, does that count for anything?  Which led me to my "take the bull by the horns" decision.  I called an R.E. I told the receptionist what was going on. I expected her to tell me that I was going the need a referral as well as a slew of tests first from my regular doctor.  Turns out, I don't need either. She simply asked me if I felt it was time to be seen. I nodded my head and cried.

Let me wrap up by making something clear: I know there are people out there struggling with infertility. Some have been trying for years. They have a clear diagnosis.  I'm hoping that's not me.  The truth is, I don't know what's going on. I have enough concerns to warrant a visit to the R.E. though. Feeling positive for some answers on Wednesday. Whether or not this is the beginning of a new relationship (albeit patient/doctor) remains to be seen.