Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)

My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some.  My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.

I honestly don't know what to think.

I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta.  If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.

Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby.  My bleeding is the same.

My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.

Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

Looking For a Sign...

The transition from 2010 to 2011 was not a fun one in our household. DH and I are trying to car shop and yesterday we went to the dealership to test drive a new vehicle.  We got a late start and were feeling flustered.  Once at the dealership, we argued over everything from outside color to features and everything in between.  It felt pointless and a waste of time.  I could feel my emotions getting the best of me. This Femara has me very up and down in the mood department.

When we got home, we fought. It was awful. I couldn't stop crying and DH just piled on one hurtful comment on top of the other. He doesn't understand why I just can't be happy here and be settled. He said he's sick of living his life trying to keep me from crying. He said he hated the way "those pills" were making me act and he said he wished I'd stop taking them.  He stormed out. I'd never felt so crushed and defeated.

Part of me knows that there is much truth in what he had to say. I'm a grown woman who's really never kept her emotions under control. When I'm angry, you know. When I'm sad, you know. When I'm happy, you know.  My heart is on my sleeve. Ever since we knew that ttc was not going our way, I have been very emotional. Each busted cycle grinds me deeper into the ground and knocks the wind out of my spirit. I live 1000 miles away from my family and my friends. My whole support system is 18 hours away and DH has shouldered the brunt of my anger, sadness, frustration.  I know he feels like he has failed in making me happy since we moved here. I know I've done a bad job of telling him that it's not him, it's THIS: Everything is hard. Nothing has gone smoothly. The last six months have felt like one slap in the face after another. I'm tired. I want peace. I want results.

When he returned, he apologized for the things he had said out of anger. We didn't talk much the rest of the night. When midnight came, he was in bed and I was reading on the couch.  It was a horrible New Year's Eve. The Femara is a lot to blame. My crying and feeling super insecure all the time. I read online that many women were extremely emotional and weepy on their Femara cycles. This made me feel a little better. I still was left questioning if we are doing the right thing, though. Will I ever get a positive hpt? Am I blindly groping after something that is never going to happen? I went to bed asking for a sign, anything to give me the push to keep going on this course. Something that says, "Don't throw in the towel. Not yet."

I know it's a silly thing to ask for: a sign. What would it be? Would I even recognize it if I got one?  Would it ever come?  Then, at about 5:00 this afternoon I got my sign -

Can you believe it?! A hot air balloon in my own backyard! It was so bizarre, but I knew it was my sign!  I grabbed DH and we ran to check it out. I wanted to cry (again, the Femara) because the first thing that popped in my head as a possible meaning for this balloon to land in our backyard on the first day of the first month of 2011 was this:

Expect the unexpected!  There are more surprises in store this year!