Teetering

My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived.  Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying.  I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying.  Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved.  My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.

I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting.  I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on.  It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene.  When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.

I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.

Bad Dreams...

I tend to dream a lot when I'm really tired. It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I'm exhausted.  For the last ten or more nights, I've been dreaming a lot.

A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!"  I agreed that this year, I would be DD.  Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...

DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane.  I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.

Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant.  By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound.  Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward. 

I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.

**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**

Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

"Can we make an omelette with that egg?"

This is what DH asked my RE today when we went in for the midcycle u/s this morning.  Yes, it's true. I've got a pretty nice follie on the left side! Just one, but I was told that one is enough. It measured 20.1mm and everything else looks great. My lining is a little on the thin side, but well within normal range. Ovulation isn't expected for a few days yet, so Dr. R says that all will be fine in that department when I do "O".

I had mixed emotions about today's visit.  Part of me wanted to see two follies. I wanted to super-ovulate. I know it sounds crazy, but had there been two, I would have felt better about A) my chances in conceiving this cycle and B) that my body was working on its own.  Now I question both.  Will this be the month? Was I even ovulating before the Femara?  It's difficult not to get all down in the dumps and second guess every little detail. I probably asked Dr. R eleventy times if he was happy with everything and felt that all was up to his expectations. Eleventy times back, he gave me a big smile and the "thumbs up."  Now it's up to us, I guess.

He still would like for me to come in on Friday for a post-coital exam. I'm probably going to go, but I don't know how to feel about it. I've read lots of forums where people are saying that theirs came back bad, but they ended up getting pregnant that very cycle. Some people get great reports from it, but have yet to get their bfp.  A lot of doctors don't place much value on them, where others do. AGH!! What to think? What to think?  If it comes back bad, I'm probably going to go off the deep end, for real.  My mind will say, "One egg?  Hostile CM?  Good luck with that one, loser!"      *Big sigh*

To answer Josh's question about the omelette, Dr. R just laughed and said, "Absolutely. Make a baby omelette with that thing."

Here's hoping!!!