I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.
The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere. I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on. I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday. I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too. I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things. So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward. I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.
I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be). While deciding if we will cycle again. So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.
1.) Exercise. I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily. For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise! It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air. So amazing to be back out there and be active again!
2.) Travel. Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August. While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman. We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn). That's at the end of August. Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break. Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!
3.) Change. I am working a lot on me. I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost. Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise. Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying. It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now. I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.
That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1. If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way. If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress. I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like. I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!
And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:
...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...
Showing posts with label DS2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DS2. Show all posts
Friday, May 13, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Ten Days of Company and Looking Ahead
I am not dead :)
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
Although there were days where I felt mostly dead, I've actually been doing alright the last five or so days. We've had company since the day after my D&C. DH's dad came on Thursday (an already scheduled visit) and he stayed until Tuesday. We got him through ticketing and to the security gate and stood there for about ten minutes waiting for the arrival of my friend Jenn and her little girl (also an already scheduled visit). One person left, two people came. Ten days straight of company continues. It has been nice. I have my moments of feeling sad and crying, but for the most part, having them here has kept me focused and distracted all at the same time.
On Tuesday, I had my post-op with Dr. Awesome RE. It was more of a sit down and discuss. He told me as long as I wasn't bleeding, I can start putting things in my vagina again. Yay! DH and I have definitely capitalized on that ;) It has been nice during a time that is so up and down and emotionally charged to be able to have that closeness with him again. Hooray for some type of normalcy! We also discussed the future and what we thought we would do next in our TTC endeavors. First, we are going to take a break. Dr. Awesome RE recommends two cycles off after a miscarriage. He said if we were ready in July to do a cycle, that would be alright, but nothing before then. DH and I are thinking more along the lines of September. We want to take the summer and enjoy our boys, visit our families back east, take an epic ten year wedding anniversary trip in July (Hawaii!!), get the boys started on their new school year and THEN go back to TTC. There has been too much forward thinking in the last year. We want to live in this moment. Enjoy today.
Well, that's about it as far as what's new with me is concerned. My friend is leaving on Saturday and I'll be back sometime after then to talk about what exactly we plan on doing in September. Stay tuned...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Kleptomania and The Love of Basketball
A snippet of conversation from before bed last night:
(The scene is a master bedroom with a king-sized bed and a handsome devil of a husband laying propped against some pillows and reading Wikipedia on his Ipod. His wife enters the room, slightly vexed, and says,)
ME - Umm, I need to talk to you about something that could be a problem.
DH - Okay.
ME - Well, I went to get my progesterone checked today and I took DS2 with me and there was a little stress ball by where they draw blood that looked like a basketball. I assume that people who don't bring their veins to their blood draw squeeze on the ball and...you get my point.....so, DS2 takes the ball and starts playing with it and the nurse does her thing with poking a hole in my arm and then she tapes me up and says to DS2, 'I need that back if you don't mind.' They then start throwing the little basketball back and forth and I say, 'DS2, we need to go pick up DS1. Put the ball back on the table and let's head out.' The nurse and I talk a little about my progesterone and whatnot and then we leave.
DH - What is the point of this moronic story?
ME - I'm trying to tell you!! She asked for the ball back and I thought he put it back on the table, but I just looked in my purse for chap stick and look what I found!! (pulls out little basketball from behind back) Our son stole the basketball from the fertility clinic. HE STOLE THE BALL!!!! OUR SON STEALS!!!!!
DH - He didn't steal that ball. I took it on Saturday when we went in for our embryo transfer.
ME - What would possess you take the basketball?
DH - Because I thought DS2 would like it.
(Scene ends)
Albeit a completely pointless tale, I just had to share. :D :D :D :D :D
(The scene is a master bedroom with a king-sized bed and a handsome devil of a husband laying propped against some pillows and reading Wikipedia on his Ipod. His wife enters the room, slightly vexed, and says,)
ME - Umm, I need to talk to you about something that could be a problem.
DH - Okay.
ME - Well, I went to get my progesterone checked today and I took DS2 with me and there was a little stress ball by where they draw blood that looked like a basketball. I assume that people who don't bring their veins to their blood draw squeeze on the ball and...you get my point.....so, DS2 takes the ball and starts playing with it and the nurse does her thing with poking a hole in my arm and then she tapes me up and says to DS2, 'I need that back if you don't mind.' They then start throwing the little basketball back and forth and I say, 'DS2, we need to go pick up DS1. Put the ball back on the table and let's head out.' The nurse and I talk a little about my progesterone and whatnot and then we leave.
DH - What is the point of this moronic story?
ME - I'm trying to tell you!! She asked for the ball back and I thought he put it back on the table, but I just looked in my purse for chap stick and look what I found!! (pulls out little basketball from behind back) Our son stole the basketball from the fertility clinic. HE STOLE THE BALL!!!! OUR SON STEALS!!!!!
DH - He didn't steal that ball. I took it on Saturday when we went in for our embryo transfer.
ME - What would possess you take the basketball?
DH - Because I thought DS2 would like it.
(Scene ends)
Albeit a completely pointless tale, I just had to share. :D :D :D :D :D
Sunday, March 13, 2011
In Awe & Very, Very Thankful
With tomorrow's ER looming overhead, I find myself feeling very emotional. Of course, I could attribute everything to my hormones and think nothing more of it, but what I'm feeling goes so much deeper than just high estrogen levels.
I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours. I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child. I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again.
I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents. As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.
As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy. This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!
I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon. It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored. I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!). I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.
Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time. Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.
Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!
I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours. I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child. I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again.
I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents. As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.
As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy. This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!
I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon. It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored. I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!). I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.
Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time. Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.
Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!
Friday, February 11, 2011
More Strange Sleep Antics
Last night was the first night I can ever remember being afraid to go to sleep. I stayed up late reading and walked around the house aimlessly in an effort NOT go to bed, but at around midnight I succumbed to my drooping eyelids and sluggish posture. To bed I went.
DH was already asleep and I curled up next to him and drifted off almost immediately (thank you, Tempur-pedic). Around 3:30, DS2 came in for a drink of water and I carried him back to bed. I am cognizant of this activity. At around 5, however, I woke up because I was very hot and uncomfortable and lo and behold!! I am wearing a hoodie, zipped to the top with the hood up over my head. WTH? What's worse, there was the chapstick from the night before in one pocket and a wad of toilet paper in the other. Really?! Interesting...
I posted on facebook about it this morning and received a private message from a fellow infertile (of course, I didn't know she was, but since I outed myself as one in that particular forum, they seem to be coming out of the woodwork). She asked me if I had started on any of my fertility medicines and that she did some strange things in her sleep when she was on injectibles. My mystery would be all but solved if this were the case. I'm still just taking bcp and waiting to start the art of injecting on Tuesday.
So what is going on with this sleepwalking crap?
DH was already asleep and I curled up next to him and drifted off almost immediately (thank you, Tempur-pedic). Around 3:30, DS2 came in for a drink of water and I carried him back to bed. I am cognizant of this activity. At around 5, however, I woke up because I was very hot and uncomfortable and lo and behold!! I am wearing a hoodie, zipped to the top with the hood up over my head. WTH? What's worse, there was the chapstick from the night before in one pocket and a wad of toilet paper in the other. Really?! Interesting...
I posted on facebook about it this morning and received a private message from a fellow infertile (of course, I didn't know she was, but since I outed myself as one in that particular forum, they seem to be coming out of the woodwork). She asked me if I had started on any of my fertility medicines and that she did some strange things in her sleep when she was on injectibles. My mystery would be all but solved if this were the case. I'm still just taking bcp and waiting to start the art of injecting on Tuesday.
So what is going on with this sleepwalking crap?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
How to Make It Through
I've decided this month is just going to drag on relentlessly if I don't come up with a list of things to do while I wait to start stimming in March. It's ridiculous that the shortest month of the year is ALWAYS the longest. All I have to do as far as TTC is concerned is take my bc and start Lupron injections on the 15th. I guess I can also enjoy the newfound fun in BDing (although that has nothing to do with conceiving anymore). So, I'm going to start a list of things to do to get me through this lull. Some things are fun, others necessary. In no particular order:
1. Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt. I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in. Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!
2. I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious. Now I am. I'm calling today for an appointment to get started. Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush. I'll laser it if I want to.
3. Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!
4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.
5. I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2. Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention. They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.
6. I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner. I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over. I want to find new recipes and try them. If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!
I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!
1. Read 3 books. I'm currently working on Pictures of You by Carol Leavitt. I don't think I'll include this in the three seeing as how I'm already 100 pages in. Someone recommended The Hunger Games Trilogy to me and they sound good. After all, a trilogy is three books. Perfect!
2. I'm going in for laser hair removal. I mentioned it in my last post, but I don't think I was being serious. Now I am. I'm calling today for an appointment to get started. Dr. Awesome RE may not care or appreciate a fresh bush, but I do and it's my bush. I'll laser it if I want to.
3. Clean out my closet. Ugh. This one is not fun, but it's necessary. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Must accomplish this task. Imagine how much better I'll rest in my bed after my embryo transfer if my closet is fresh and cleaned out!
4. Must have a few honest to goodness date nights with DH. For real dinner and movie date nights. Must happen!! I want two. Two dates.
5. I want to spend some quality time with DS1 and DS2. Alone time, preferably. I want to be able to concentrate on them and their particular interests and give them my undivided attention. They mean everything to me and I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are in their own way.
6. I want to try a new recipe every week for dinner. I have been in such a rut when it comes to what to make for dinner and I end up making the same things over and over. I want to find new recipes and try them. If they are good, I'll post the recipe on here. I kind of already started doing this this week. I made homemade minestrone. It was amazing. I'll post the recipe tomorrow!
I think this list should sufficiently get me through the longest short month of the year. If I stay busy, it'll fly by!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
CD One
No big revelation as to what this post will be about. The title most certainly gives it away. I find myself staring down the barrel of another cycle as AF decided to make her grand appearance on Christmas Eve. In the fitting room. At Gap. Yay me.
Gap worker- "How are those jeans working out for you?"
Me- "Do you have a tampon?"
Yep. That's how it went down in one of the ugliest AF showdowns (or show ups?) in recent history. I'm just happy she came, being that I had expected her since Monday. Which begs the question, "Why weren't you prepared for her arrival?" I can only say, "Wishful thinking" in response. It was a break cycle and the good thing about them is they carry no expectations. It would have been nice to have made a little baby down in the Bahamas, but the quality of the BDing was sub par and DH knows this as I have reminded him several times. How cool, though, to call my RE's office and tell them that I no longer required their services? Ah, I digress.
Three days in and looking forward to my u/s tomorrow. Hoping for a good report and to be walking out of there with an rx for Femara in hand. I'll be starting Tuesday and taking it through Saturday. Finishing on January first. The new year.
There I go again with the hope.
We took the boys to their first (mine, too!) NBA game last night and they were thrilled (me too!). Here's some pics from the outing I thought I'd share. The Thunder won! Afterward, we took a drive through where my husband works and showed the boys the Christmas lights they put up there. Insane how tightly wrapped those trees are in lights! Enjoy!
Gap worker- "How are those jeans working out for you?"
Me- "Do you have a tampon?"
Yep. That's how it went down in one of the ugliest AF showdowns (or show ups?) in recent history. I'm just happy she came, being that I had expected her since Monday. Which begs the question, "Why weren't you prepared for her arrival?" I can only say, "Wishful thinking" in response. It was a break cycle and the good thing about them is they carry no expectations. It would have been nice to have made a little baby down in the Bahamas, but the quality of the BDing was sub par and DH knows this as I have reminded him several times. How cool, though, to call my RE's office and tell them that I no longer required their services? Ah, I digress.
Three days in and looking forward to my u/s tomorrow. Hoping for a good report and to be walking out of there with an rx for Femara in hand. I'll be starting Tuesday and taking it through Saturday. Finishing on January first. The new year.
There I go again with the hope.
We took the boys to their first (mine, too!) NBA game last night and they were thrilled (me too!). Here's some pics from the outing I thought I'd share. The Thunder won! Afterward, we took a drive through where my husband works and showed the boys the Christmas lights they put up there. Insane how tightly wrapped those trees are in lights! Enjoy!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Football and Babies Part Two
So, I've made it abundantly clear that my RE is the guy for me and if you missed that just click here. He made such a great impression before we even discussed my situation and possible treatment. It could not have gone better! Then again, maybe I had my mind made up that it was going to be so bad that it just ended up being not as bad as I imagined. :) Who cares about the why and the how? I feel good. That's all that counts.
Back to the appointment, when it did come time to put me in a test tube and study me he gave me the news: I'm not infertile. That was good and bad to hear. "Yay! I'm not infertile" "Wait, are you going to tell me to leave?" Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the good news without being kicked out on my hiney. I'm not infertile because we haven't been trying for a year. This I knew. It's been almost a year, but we're not there yet. So what now? Being the prepared and informed patient that I knew I would be (with a little help from a good friend), I showed him all the data I had collected. He told me my periods are all over the place. (Yeah, I know.) He told me I'm not ovulating regularly. (Yeah, I had a feeling.) He told me he could help. (Now we're talking, doc.)
After ordering me some tests for my thyroid and prolactin levels, he recommended that we wait for AF to arrive and then schedule an ultrasound for CD 3. He wants to check for cysts and "obstructions" and basically anything that he feels will keep me from conceiving. At that point, he'll also test my FSH levels to see if they're within "normal" range. We already cleared DH as a possible reason for conception failure. The answer lies somewhere in my lower abdominal cavity. We just need to pinpoint what exactly has gone whack with my plumbing. If everything is good with the u/s, he recommended a 5 day rx for either Clomid or Femara, my choice (I'm leaning toward the Femara) CDs 5-9. Then we'll regroup for an u/s to count and measure my follicles. He strongly encouraged DH and I to discuss and plan for the possibility of multiples and if that's NOT what we want, we'll go a different route steering away from fertility medications.
So much to think about after my appointment that my head was dancing with visions of condom-covered ultrasound wands and potholder-covered stirrups. All joking aside, I felt great. I felt relieved. I felt a sense of peace for the first time in a really long time. It was so hard for me to come around to the idea of getting help, but the feeling of contentment as I left with my stack of reading material in hand was a welcome change and a definite step in the right direction. When I discussed it all with DH, he agreed that this is the way to go for now. He's a very results-driven person like me and if doing the same thing month after month isn't getting desired results, choosing to do something different is the right thing to do. Love him for that!
What I didn't care for much was his reaction to the various due dates I threw his way. ME - "If we were to get pregnant on the first cycle, the baby would be due in late September/early October." DH - "Let me check the WVU Football schedule and see if that works. (checks) I don't know about that. I really want to fly back for the LSU game." LOL...he's crazy on all counts. I think/know/hope being here with me and our new baby would trump any West Virginia game, but I try not to make him choose between me and his college football team too much. Saves me from feeling disappointed. :)
What I learned from taking this smallish big step is this: Struggling to get pregnant was consuming me. This appointment gave me my focus back. I realize I can concentrate on my family AND make a baby, too. I don't have to choose anymore! I can give everyone the attention they need and deserve because there's a hand being extended to me that I believe can help make it all happen. My outlook has improved dramatically. The cup may still be half empty, but it's not shattered on the floor with me standing in the broken glass. That's an improvement! So here's to 2011 and baby making! May my due date not coincide with West Virginia Football!
Back to the appointment, when it did come time to put me in a test tube and study me he gave me the news: I'm not infertile. That was good and bad to hear. "Yay! I'm not infertile" "Wait, are you going to tell me to leave?" Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the good news without being kicked out on my hiney. I'm not infertile because we haven't been trying for a year. This I knew. It's been almost a year, but we're not there yet. So what now? Being the prepared and informed patient that I knew I would be (with a little help from a good friend), I showed him all the data I had collected. He told me my periods are all over the place. (Yeah, I know.) He told me I'm not ovulating regularly. (Yeah, I had a feeling.) He told me he could help. (Now we're talking, doc.)
After ordering me some tests for my thyroid and prolactin levels, he recommended that we wait for AF to arrive and then schedule an ultrasound for CD 3. He wants to check for cysts and "obstructions" and basically anything that he feels will keep me from conceiving. At that point, he'll also test my FSH levels to see if they're within "normal" range. We already cleared DH as a possible reason for conception failure. The answer lies somewhere in my lower abdominal cavity. We just need to pinpoint what exactly has gone whack with my plumbing. If everything is good with the u/s, he recommended a 5 day rx for either Clomid or Femara, my choice (I'm leaning toward the Femara) CDs 5-9. Then we'll regroup for an u/s to count and measure my follicles. He strongly encouraged DH and I to discuss and plan for the possibility of multiples and if that's NOT what we want, we'll go a different route steering away from fertility medications.
So much to think about after my appointment that my head was dancing with visions of condom-covered ultrasound wands and potholder-covered stirrups. All joking aside, I felt great. I felt relieved. I felt a sense of peace for the first time in a really long time. It was so hard for me to come around to the idea of getting help, but the feeling of contentment as I left with my stack of reading material in hand was a welcome change and a definite step in the right direction. When I discussed it all with DH, he agreed that this is the way to go for now. He's a very results-driven person like me and if doing the same thing month after month isn't getting desired results, choosing to do something different is the right thing to do. Love him for that!
What I didn't care for much was his reaction to the various due dates I threw his way. ME - "If we were to get pregnant on the first cycle, the baby would be due in late September/early October." DH - "Let me check the WVU Football schedule and see if that works. (checks) I don't know about that. I really want to fly back for the LSU game." LOL...he's crazy on all counts. I think/know/hope being here with me and our new baby would trump any West Virginia game, but I try not to make him choose between me and his college football team too much. Saves me from feeling disappointed. :)
What I learned from taking this smallish big step is this: Struggling to get pregnant was consuming me. This appointment gave me my focus back. I realize I can concentrate on my family AND make a baby, too. I don't have to choose anymore! I can give everyone the attention they need and deserve because there's a hand being extended to me that I believe can help make it all happen. My outlook has improved dramatically. The cup may still be half empty, but it's not shattered on the floor with me standing in the broken glass. That's an improvement! So here's to 2011 and baby making! May my due date not coincide with West Virginia Football!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Why Now? After All This Time Has Passed?
If you're reading this and you've glanced over to the right where it says "Time Line of Important Events," you're probably wondering why we went so far as to permanently make it so that we could no longer have children only to turn around and change our minds. It's a pretty natural thought progression that I have every intention of addressing. Quite simply, we made a mistake. Read on...
After we had DS2 and built our modest three bedroom home in Fayetteville, WV, we were feeling very settled and happy with our two boys. Birth control has always been an issue for us. I got pregnant while on one and had a long list of bad reactions to a handful of others. I knew deep down that I wouldn't take it. DH had always expressed his desire to get a vasectomy when we were done having children, seeing as how I worked so hard to bring them into this world. (He's a keeper girls.) We both felt it was time. Like I said before, we were settled, happy. So, we took the plunge and it felt good. It was November of 2006.
Fast forward to the early months of 2008 and we were thrown a curve ball of the epic variety. DH's job was transferred four hours north to Pittsburgh, PA. We didn't have to move. If he wanted to keep his job, however, we did. Employment is good when you have a family. In fact, it's necessary. Kids are 'spensive. So, we went. Loaded up our things, sold our first real home, and left for the big city. It was a very difficult and stressful time. Needless to say, it was a change we neither expected nor welcomed.
We mostly relied on our strong foundation of mutual love and respect for one another to get us through the initial adjustment period after we moved. That's a lie. We relied solely on our sense of humor. Thankfully, we were cut from the same mold when it comes to that aspect of our personalities. We laughed at the Steeler fans. We laughed at the Pitt fans. We laughed at anyone who thought that Pittsburgh was a great place to live. We laughed and laughed that first year. And laughed. And laughed. (Can you tell how much we wanted to be there??) Fortunately, we were closer to where our families lived in West Virginia by living in Pittsburgh, so we went home many weekends. That helped. As the first year came and went, however, I felt a shift in myself. One that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As summer faded into fall and all the leaves changed and subsequently fell to the ground, it became clearer to me what was going on.
My thoughts began to change. I daydreamed about when I was pregnant. I found myself walking past baby pictures of the boys and stopping and staring for a pregnant (pun intended) pause. My dreams were different, too. More times than I can count, I dreamed of baby. A child. In our home...ours. Deep down, I knew what had changed....my mind and my heart. I wanted another child. But, how in he world was I going to bring this up to DH?
To be continued...
After we had DS2 and built our modest three bedroom home in Fayetteville, WV, we were feeling very settled and happy with our two boys. Birth control has always been an issue for us. I got pregnant while on one and had a long list of bad reactions to a handful of others. I knew deep down that I wouldn't take it. DH had always expressed his desire to get a vasectomy when we were done having children, seeing as how I worked so hard to bring them into this world. (He's a keeper girls.) We both felt it was time. Like I said before, we were settled, happy. So, we took the plunge and it felt good. It was November of 2006.
Fast forward to the early months of 2008 and we were thrown a curve ball of the epic variety. DH's job was transferred four hours north to Pittsburgh, PA. We didn't have to move. If he wanted to keep his job, however, we did. Employment is good when you have a family. In fact, it's necessary. Kids are 'spensive. So, we went. Loaded up our things, sold our first real home, and left for the big city. It was a very difficult and stressful time. Needless to say, it was a change we neither expected nor welcomed.
We mostly relied on our strong foundation of mutual love and respect for one another to get us through the initial adjustment period after we moved. That's a lie. We relied solely on our sense of humor. Thankfully, we were cut from the same mold when it comes to that aspect of our personalities. We laughed at the Steeler fans. We laughed at the Pitt fans. We laughed at anyone who thought that Pittsburgh was a great place to live. We laughed and laughed that first year. And laughed. And laughed. (Can you tell how much we wanted to be there??) Fortunately, we were closer to where our families lived in West Virginia by living in Pittsburgh, so we went home many weekends. That helped. As the first year came and went, however, I felt a shift in myself. One that I couldn't quite put my finger on. As summer faded into fall and all the leaves changed and subsequently fell to the ground, it became clearer to me what was going on.
My thoughts began to change. I daydreamed about when I was pregnant. I found myself walking past baby pictures of the boys and stopping and staring for a pregnant (pun intended) pause. My dreams were different, too. More times than I can count, I dreamed of baby. A child. In our home...ours. Deep down, I knew what had changed....my mind and my heart. I wanted another child. But, how in he world was I going to bring this up to DH?
To be continued...
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy."
The above quote by Arthur Helps never meant much to a girl like myself. Sure, I've always considered myself to be a strong individual, as life has a way of wearing you down and making you better than you were before by meeting and overcoming various trials. The thing is: life has been pretty good to me. I'm a happy person who has not experienced *too* much heartache, although I've had lots of interesting surprises. :)
I met my husband in early 2001 and we fell hard and fast for each other. We were married in July and our son, who I'll refer to as DS1, was born seven months later. A beautiful, healthy, Depo-Provera baby boy. A wonderful surprise.
Fast forward to 2005 and after a month of not trying and not preventing pregnancy, we happily found out that we were expecting our second son, DS2. Another surprise, but not so much. It was time to give DS1 a sibling and a little brother was a wonderful gift for him.
Pregnancy has always been an easy feat for DH and I. We were the ones who jokingly told people, "All DH had to do was walk past me and voila! I was pregnant." Ugh. Just knowing I was the type of person who used to say that sort of thing makes me want to defriend myself.
Which I suppose brings me to the point of why my fingers are moving across my keyboard right now, as well as why the above quote has a special meaning to me today. This blog is about us trying to have a baby. Actually trying. Planned out...perfectly. Except that it's not going perfectly. In fact, it's not really going at all. This is hard work. And it kind of sucks. Who knew? Not this girl.
A friend of mine has been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than me. A LOT longer. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself each failed cycle knowing that she's had five and a half times the failed cycles that I've had. Also, she's trying ttc baby number one. I already have two beautiful children. The reason I bring her up is because she finds blogging about ttc to be therapeutic. At this point, I could use an outlet. Most of the time, I feel sad and frustrated. It's also very lonely. I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help me to organize the feelings and thoughts that so often cloud my brain and keep me awake at night.
So, welcome to my blog! Whether you found it by chance or by invitation, I'm happy to have you along for this crazy ride. Hopefully, it's one that ends with me expanding my family by two feet. :)
I met my husband in early 2001 and we fell hard and fast for each other. We were married in July and our son, who I'll refer to as DS1, was born seven months later. A beautiful, healthy, Depo-Provera baby boy. A wonderful surprise.
Fast forward to 2005 and after a month of not trying and not preventing pregnancy, we happily found out that we were expecting our second son, DS2. Another surprise, but not so much. It was time to give DS1 a sibling and a little brother was a wonderful gift for him.
Pregnancy has always been an easy feat for DH and I. We were the ones who jokingly told people, "All DH had to do was walk past me and voila! I was pregnant." Ugh. Just knowing I was the type of person who used to say that sort of thing makes me want to defriend myself.
Which I suppose brings me to the point of why my fingers are moving across my keyboard right now, as well as why the above quote has a special meaning to me today. This blog is about us trying to have a baby. Actually trying. Planned out...perfectly. Except that it's not going perfectly. In fact, it's not really going at all. This is hard work. And it kind of sucks. Who knew? Not this girl.
A friend of mine has been trying to have a baby for a lot longer than me. A LOT longer. I have a hard time feeling sorry for myself each failed cycle knowing that she's had five and a half times the failed cycles that I've had. Also, she's trying ttc baby number one. I already have two beautiful children. The reason I bring her up is because she finds blogging about ttc to be therapeutic. At this point, I could use an outlet. Most of the time, I feel sad and frustrated. It's also very lonely. I hope that by sharing my experience, it can help me to organize the feelings and thoughts that so often cloud my brain and keep me awake at night.
So, welcome to my blog! Whether you found it by chance or by invitation, I'm happy to have you along for this crazy ride. Hopefully, it's one that ends with me expanding my family by two feet. :)
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