Thursday, March 31, 2011

Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.


  1. Still keeping you in my thoughts Aub. I really hope there is an happy ending for all of this.

    Wishing you luck for tomorrow.

  2. I've been thinking about you a lot. Hoping that you find out good news tomorrow.

  3. I am not one to get hopes up... especially those of other people, but that pee stick this morning makes me hopeful.

    Thinking of you...

  4. I am thinking of you and praying. HUGS!!! <3 <3

  5. Lisa B sent me here from her blog, but I wanted to comment, because I had something similar.
    I was 8 weeks and out of nowhere I started bleeding. The Dr. on call kept saying spotting, but it wasn't spotting. I would stand up and it would run down my leg. I would sit on the toilet for 2 minutes and the water was bright pink. I even had little clots. Sorry this may be TMI, but I want you to know mine was bad too.
    I went in and the baby was fine, I was still pregnant, but I had a hemtoma that had burst and caused all of that bleeding.
    I am saying all of this to say, don't give up hope. I did, I truly thought it was over, I mounred and everything.
    I will be thinking of you.

  6. I'm thinking of you today and PRAY that your betas are still rising and the baby is just getting nice and snug.