Monday, March 21, 2011


Welcome to my blog ICLWers!! I am going to more than make up for my lack of commenting and returning comments last month by attempting to be an Iron Commentator this month. It will be my act of redemption.  I am 30 and so is DH. We are TTC #3 and I am currently PUPO with twins via IVF with ICSI. In January, DH was diagnosed with antisperm antibodies and although we were given the three IUIs option, we opted to jump into the deep end of IF and go straight to IVF. Honestly, I just didn't think the IUIs would work.  Too much reading about the condition led us to go for what we felt was our best chance at conceiving.  So, that's about it. Grab a seat. Stay a while. At least hang on until next Monday when I have my beta!

So, at 2DP5DT, I am feeling kind of neutral. I keep having positive thoughts for the sake of my little embabies that are trying to make a home in my womb.  My mood is peppered with moments of doubt and fear. We didn't receive a phone call yesterday, so none of the other seven embryos we had made it to freeze. I won't lie, I cried. I cried because they didn't get the chance to grow and develop and become our children.  I cried because I feel even more pressure for this to work with what we have in there. I'm not sure if it's something that anyone else that I've talked to about understands. I get the feeling that people are too encouraging sometimes.  Too optimistic. Is that awful for me to say?  I don't know.

What I do know is I have to allow my mind to go to a place where this may not work.  I have to prepare myself emotionally for "no".  Now that we don't have any frosties, "no" means a lot more. It most likely means the end of the line for us and TTC.   I can't see going through this again. Hope for the best. Expect the disappointment. That's what IF has taught me.

Now that I sound like Debbie Downer (sorry), I will say that I'm feeling crampy, which I think is good. I rub my belly a lot and talk to my embabies. DH says goodnight to them and asked them several times over the weekend if they were still in there - lol.  I'm thirsty and get over-heated easily. There's also this weird pulling sensation at the very tops of my legs. Don't know what that's all about.  I think they will be implanting today and tomorrow. I was thinking of POAS maybe Thursday, but probably Wednesday.

If you don't visit my blog again, I want you to leave knowing that I believe with all my heart that I will get some sort of happy ending.  I think we all will. Even if it's not the one we originally thought we'd have.  There's a saying I love and it's (something like) "Everything ends happily. If you're not happy, it isn't the end." Or something to that effect. You get the point. :)


  1. Im sorry that the rest didnt make it to

    I understand youre feelings. How can you not prepare yourself for bad news when dealing with IF? You want to be postive but Its such a rollercoaster! I am praying for you and your embabies!!! Big Hugs <3 ya!!!

    I love your saying at the end!!

  2. No! Wait for the POAS. I promise! I promise! Wait until Saturday. Even though it's hard and seems very long away! But, that's just my opinion - from my experience. Hoping for great things! :)

  3. I'm sorry about the other embies, but I'm glad it looks like your doctors chose the right ones to put back in.

    I know how you feel about some people being too positive. My gut reaction is usually to be the voice of reason, but I feel like that's not what people want to hear, so try to be super upbeat and "this is it!". Hope I haven't been one of those people to you.

    I'm the oppositve of Ashley M and always prefer to test prior to betas just to give my heart a cushion when that call comes and it's not good news. That's just me though. :hugs:

    Love your saying at the end too. I also love this one and use it all the time when people try to tell me that things always happen for the best (like miscarriages, infertility, etc) - "That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not." ~ James K. Feibleman

    Anyway, I'm still hopeful for you despite the fact that we all know sometimes these things don't work. I'm keeping positive for you and hope to celebrate soon!

  4. Thanks for stopping by, good luck with your beta! Happy ICLW!

  5. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! And I look forward to going back and reading some of your earlier posts since we too are doing IVF with ICSI.

  6. This is such a great post - a wonderful introduction to you and your family, and I'm wishing for good things for you. :) I found you via ICLW, and I'm your newest fan - I'll definitely be sticking around to follow your exciting journey.

  7. I agree, it's a fine line between too much optimism and staying a bit grounded in reality. I know I'm guilty of too much optimism at times. I think it's from me wanting other women to be able to be optimistic, since it comes to hard to me anymore!


  8. This is an amazing saying, I am going to print it and post it on my wall!!! It is so true!!!
    With reference to POAS, just do what makes you happy. I know people who have been POASing pretty much since the day after transfer, and then there are others like me who prefer to be blissfully ignorant until beta day LOL I was so happy during most of my 2ww - I WAS pregnant and that's how I was treating myself, I was talking to the baby too :) and I didn't even want to do beta. Wishing you lots of sticky baby vibes and for the little ones to snuggle inside for a long ride :)

  9. Best of luck to you with your Beta. I did the Iron Commenter thing in January. It was grueling, but rewarding. I look forward to following your story :)

  10. I'm sorry that your embies didn't make it to freeze :( But hopefully your twins have snuggled in for a long ride. My fingers are crossed for you!