Location: Limbo

That's where I am right now. In between. Unable to look forward, unable to cope and heal.

DH and I grieved hard on Tuesday. We cried together, held each other, stared into each others eyes. So full of hurt, both seeing our own eyes looking back at us.  We were hardly coming to terms with what was happening but we were coping. We were working through the pain and picking up the pieces in an attempt to heal and move on.

Now we can't even do that. We showered together last night (that's where we have our best conversations) and he said to me, "This is stupid.  Your beta doubled, but you're bleeding. If I could get past the bleeding, I still worry about your beta being low."  It's true. We haven't a clue how to feel or what to think.  We are in the gray area.

I was able to get my beta moved up to Friday (tomorrow).  I will be sure to let you know what's going on as soon as I know. In the meantime, I am still bleeding pretty heavily. It's bright red and can be compared to a heavier-ish day of AF.  I went ahead and POAS this morning. I wanted to see if there was any progression at all. Up until this point, I have been a proactive patient in my IVF and I plan to be to the end. I didn't POAS Wednesday morning because I was sure my beta would show dropping Hcg levels and it would be over. The first pic is 9DP5DT, the second is 10DP5DT, the last is this morning's 12DP5DT.

Talk about total confusion. Today's test is blazing in comparison.  And I had to dip it in a cup of pee that looked like fruit punch - it was so red. Sorry if TMI, but this is what I'm dealing with.

I am afraid. Please pray for my baby.

WTF

My beta doubled.  I have been told to stay the course with my meds and come back in on Monday for another beta.  Oh, and to rest with my feet up as it appears that I could be miscarrying a twin.

Let's see, what else??

Oh, and just so you all know, I don't expect this to end well still. That may sound pessimistic, but I don't really hear a lot of low initial betas ending well. Try not to get all cheerleader-y because when the weekend ends, I figure all this will, too.  I want you guys to know that I am prepared for what is most likely to come. I will keep you all updated as I know more.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and offerings of sympathy.  I love you guys.

It's Over

I woke up bleeding this morning.

Beta Hell

My beta was 32.

I have to go back in on Wednesday to have my numbers rechecked.

They wanted them to be above 50.

This is what they call beta hell.

I am in it.

As Promised......Pee Sticks! :)

Here is a little gallery of things I've peed on in the last week. For your ultimate viewing pleasure!

Answer Friday (3/25) Out of the case:

Answer Saturday (3/26):

 Answer Sunday (3/27):

Equate on Friday (3/25) Out of the case:

Equate Saturday (3/26):

Equate Sunday (3/27):

Blue Wondfo Friday (3/25):

Blue Wondfo Saturday (3/26):

Blue Wondfo Sunday (3/27):

What do you all think? Beta results tomorrow!!

Lines, Lines, Everywhere is Lines!!

First off, I'd like to address my grammatical error in the post title.  I am aware that the correct way to use that statement is "Everywhere are lines" or "Lines are Everywhere" but I was thinking of the song "Signs" (Tesla's cover of it) when I titled my post and was trying to stay with the style of the song.  As you may be well aware, I am referring to my home pregnancy tests having lines. Lots and lots of lines.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

According to home tests, there is a bun in my oven!  I am beyond shocked and incredibly grateful and just so, so happy and well, plain scared.  I'm going to be a mom again. I'm giving my husband another child and we want this baby so bad that I'm scared to death that this isn't really happening. OR that something is going to happen to take this baby (or even babies) away from us.  I'm thinking positively and doing what I can to keep myself and my baby (ies) safe, though. What else can I do?

Beta is two days away.  Please pray that the numbers are good and we can have a definite answer and can look forward to our first ultrasound.  And as always, thanks to all of you who read my blog and share this journey with me and give me constant support and lift me up with your comments. You will never know how much you mean to me, my bloggy friends.

Kleptomania and The Love of Basketball

A snippet of conversation from before bed last night:

(The scene is a master bedroom with a king-sized bed and a handsome devil of a husband laying propped against some pillows and reading Wikipedia on his Ipod.  His wife enters the room, slightly vexed, and says,)

ME - Umm, I need to talk to you about something that could be a problem.

DH -  Okay.

ME - Well, I went to get my progesterone checked today and I took DS2 with me and there was a little stress ball by where they draw blood that looked like a basketball. I assume that people who don't bring their veins to their blood draw squeeze on the ball and...you get my point.....so, DS2 takes the ball and starts playing with it and the nurse does her thing with poking a hole in my arm and then she tapes me up and says to DS2, 'I need that back if you don't mind.' They then start throwing the little basketball back and forth and I say, 'DS2, we need to go pick up DS1. Put the ball back on the table and let's head out.' The nurse and I talk a little about my progesterone and whatnot and then we leave.

DH - What is the point of this moronic story?

ME - I'm trying to tell you!!  She asked for the ball back and I thought he put it back on the table, but I just looked in my purse for chap stick and look what I found!! (pulls out little basketball from behind back) Our son stole the basketball from the fertility clinic. HE STOLE THE BALL!!!! OUR SON STEALS!!!!!

DH - He didn't steal that ball. I took it on Saturday when we went in for our embryo transfer. 

ME - What would possess you take the basketball?

DH - Because I thought DS2 would like it.

(Scene ends)

Albeit a completely pointless tale, I just had to share.  :D :D :D :D :D

38 comments, VFPs, & My Babies!!

 Happy Tuesday!! What do you all think of my babies? Aren't they adorable? They really do resemble my side of the family. :)  Today, I stopped by the fertility clinic to have my progesterone levels checked and I picked up my babies first picture. I asked the nurse if she needed a blood draw for the progesterone or if showing her the welts on my bum would be sufficient enough. She thought I was funny. For real, though, my poor bum.  The welts are red, they're itchy, and they're ugly.  All for the best cause, though. Do you see my babies up there? :) Anything for them.

Yesterday, as an honest to goodness attempt to make good on my Iron Commentator endeavor, I commented on thirty eight blogs. I am officially ahead of the game.  It feels good. Everyone's story is unique and important. I always find myself writing a paragraph for a comment.  I also like to read their other posts and their About Me sections and their TTC stories. Wow, to connect on such a personal level with so many women is a privilege.  I hope they feel the same way when they come here.

Today I POAS. I know, I know. 8DPO and 3DP5DT is soo, so early. But there was a line. A VFP. A very faint positive. I'm going to keep it for myself for now, but will definitely share it when I put up progression pictures.

Can you believe it?! I'm a little pregnant. Who'd a thunk?

ICLW and 2DP5DT

Welcome to my blog ICLWers!! I am going to more than make up for my lack of commenting and returning comments last month by attempting to be an Iron Commentator this month. It will be my act of redemption.  I am 30 and so is DH. We are TTC #3 and I am currently PUPO with twins via IVF with ICSI. In January, DH was diagnosed with antisperm antibodies and although we were given the three IUIs option, we opted to jump into the deep end of IF and go straight to IVF. Honestly, I just didn't think the IUIs would work.  Too much reading about the condition led us to go for what we felt was our best chance at conceiving.  So, that's about it. Grab a seat. Stay a while. At least hang on until next Monday when I have my beta!

So, at 2DP5DT, I am feeling kind of neutral. I keep having positive thoughts for the sake of my little embabies that are trying to make a home in my womb.  My mood is peppered with moments of doubt and fear. We didn't receive a phone call yesterday, so none of the other seven embryos we had made it to freeze. I won't lie, I cried. I cried because they didn't get the chance to grow and develop and become our children.  I cried because I feel even more pressure for this to work with what we have in there. I'm not sure if it's something that anyone else that I've talked to about understands. I get the feeling that people are too encouraging sometimes.  Too optimistic. Is that awful for me to say?  I don't know.

What I do know is I have to allow my mind to go to a place where this may not work.  I have to prepare myself emotionally for "no".  Now that we don't have any frosties, "no" means a lot more. It most likely means the end of the line for us and TTC.   I can't see going through this again. Hope for the best. Expect the disappointment. That's what IF has taught me.

Now that I sound like Debbie Downer (sorry), I will say that I'm feeling crampy, which I think is good. I rub my belly a lot and talk to my embabies. DH says goodnight to them and asked them several times over the weekend if they were still in there - lol.  I'm thirsty and get over-heated easily. There's also this weird pulling sensation at the very tops of my legs. Don't know what that's all about.  I think they will be implanting today and tomorrow. I was thinking of POAS maybe Thursday, but probably Wednesday.

If you don't visit my blog again, I want you to leave knowing that I believe with all my heart that I will get some sort of happy ending.  I think we all will. Even if it's not the one we originally thought we'd have.  There's a saying I love and it's (something like) "Everything ends happily. If you're not happy, it isn't the end." Or something to that effect. You get the point. :)

PUPO with Twins!!

Sorry it's taken me so long today to update you all on the transfer. We went in at nine a.m. and had to wait a little while for the retrieval that was scheduled ahead of us to finish. My appointment was for 9:30, but we didn't get called back until close to ten.  Needless to say, I was more than anxious at that point!

We went into a conference area with Dr. Awesome RE and he informed us that we had two Grade C embryos ready for transfer.  I immediately wondered why they weren't an A or even a B. (I mean, come on, my husband is an engineer and while I lack a wealth of book smarts, I have incredible life skills and am full of common sense.)   Dr. Awesome RE said that although As and Bs were not impossible, he rarely saw any embryos receive such high marks there. Their grading criteria is very harsh and Cs and even Ds are what he mainly transfers.  I had read a few other blogs where they had A+ embryos for transfer and while, kudos for them, I actually felt really good knowing that ours had gone through a very difficult grading system and came out with the marks that they did. No worrying! Not today!

We went back to the area where I was placed to await ER and I was told to strip down from the waist down and that DH could put on some scrubs over his clothes. I snapped this picture of us before we got ready:

 Awe....the mama and the papa :) 

Then we got all dressed  (or undressed as it was for me!) and ready. I snapped this pic of DH and Dr. Awesome RE:

 

Spacemen

 After that, I was wheeled into the OR where I had just had my ER on Monday. They kept me on the stretcher for the whole thing to keep me from having to get up afterward. Dr. Awesome RE placed a speculum (think pap smear) into my vagina and then started squirting down my lady parts with saline and talking about how he was creating as sterile an environment for the catheter with the embabies as possible.  After the douching, he showed us the catheter that he would be using to insert into my uterus via my cervix.  There are actually two catheters: a white outer one for insertion and a clear smaller one that goes inside of the white one that would have the embabies in it.  Once he positioned the white catheter, he asked the embryologist to get the clear one with the embabies, a.k.a. the "loaded" one, from the lab next door.  When she returned holding that little clear tube, I lost it. I started bawling. I couldn't believe that my babies were in there! He inserted the clear tube into the white one, pushed the plunger on the end and voila! I was pregnant with twins.  DH was so sweet. He kept a hold of my hand and wiped my tears with his other one. I was very unprepared for all of my emotions, so I was happy to have his hand as a kleenex. :)

That was it. Took all of five minutes  We hugged and kissed when we got back to our little holding area and closed the curtain. DH went on and on about how cool it was (I knew it would hit him eventually!).  I laid there for an hour and then we came home. Like nothing had even happened. But everything has happened. I've got two little babies inside of me. Please pray that they snuggle down next to their mama and grow.

Love to all...

Last Embryo Update Before Transfer

Today I got my last phone call updating me on my embabies (thanks for the cool name, Rosachka!).  It was a little bittersweet getting the last news of their progress before the transfer. As if this week could get any longer, tomorrow is going to drag on forever without even a phone call to look forward to.  Also weird to think that the two lucky finalists will be transferred into me (where they belong!) and the rest will be frozen in time. *big sigh*

Very thankful that on this windy Thursday we have:

~ 1 nine-cell embaby
~ 5 eight-cell embabies
~ 1 seven-cell embaby
~ 1 six-cell embaby
~ 1 four-cell embaby

We lost one. It was a one-cell yesterday and it never progressed any further.  We are very thankful for what we have for sure.  She said they looked great. 

Transfer less than 48 hours away! I can't believe I'm about to be PUPO! :D

My 50th Post and an Embryo Update!!

Wow!  First of all, I just have to say that I feel such a huge milestone here with this being the 50th post on my little blog about our infertility.  I have almost 30 followers, too! Thank you guys so much for being here for me.  All the comments are read and appreciated. I've also tried to follow all of my follower's blogs, too.  Get the love, give the love, you know?

I have my second embryo update for your viewing pleasure.

We have, on this sunny Wednesday:

~ 2 six cell embryos
~ 2 five cell embryos
~ 4 four cell embryos
~ 1 three cell embryo
~ 1 one cell embryo

We definitely have TEN!!

My little Wilbur runt caught up! What a fighter! Yay!

Fertilization Report!!

~ 15 eggs retrieved

~ 3 not mature, not ICSI-ed, and discarded

~ 2 did nothing after fertilization.

~ 1 is a "maybe" and will be observed overnight in hopes it starts dividing.

~ 9 double cell nuclei showing normal division!!

We have nine (maybe ten!) babies!! :)

Egg Retrieval and the Anesthesiologist of my Dreams...

Today was the big day!! All these shots, hormones, emotions, and heavy ovaries culminated in what ended up being a very anti-climatic egg retrieval.  Yat for that!  I slept well last night.  I woke up at five and didn't go back to sleep after that, but the alarm was set for 6:15 and my anxiety kept me occupied for that hour and fifteen minutes.  All was good.

I showered, dressed, straightened my hair, put on a little make-up and we were out the door at 7oh3.  We arrived at the fertility institute and I was in my gown, IVed up, cracking jokes with Dr. Awesome RE and shaking hands with Mr. Anesthesiologist by quartertuh8.  I kissed DH goodbye and stopped to pee on the way into the OR room (which was only about twenty paces from where I left DH).  I had mixed emotions about him being so close to the room where they were going to be jabbing my lady parts with needles.  What if I screamed or cried or called out to him during the procedure? I remember my friend Lisa saying that she felt everything during her retrieval and going from her experience, I was going to need a stick to bite down on or at least an inflatable clown to punch.

Once in the room, I put my legs into these cradles which were similar to stirrups, but oddly comfy and Dr. Awesome RE kept me covered while he prepped the u/s machine which I found to be very thoughtful of him. What if my vagina had a case of the Mondays and wasn't ready for its close up just yet?  He really does think of everything. :)  Dr. Anesthesiologist man offered me up a morning martini that I just couldn't refuse. While we waited for the drugs to work their magic (which I was still skeptical that they would), I asked RE if he would work quickly because I was hungry and there was a Panera Bread across the street from the hospital that was calling my name.  A playful conversation ensued with everyone in the OR sharing what their favorite bagel/bagel toppings were from there.  Shortly after I declared, "Cinnamon Crunch bagel with butter," I passed out. C.O.L.D.

I woke up with a Sprite in my hand and my DH by my side. (How is THAT for service??) Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: Is it over?

DH: Yeah.

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen.

Two minutes later...

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH:  Fifteen.

Me: *sips Sprite.

Two minutes later...

Me: How many eggs did we get?

DH: Fifteen, Aub.

Me:  Oh right.........................................so, how many eggs then?

DH:  Fifteen. Listen, I gotta go make dirty with this here cup.

Yeah, it took a while for me to retain any facts pertaining to the retrieval.  What I DO know is this:

~ I slept the whole time and have no recollection at all of the procedure.  For that I am eternally grateful to the man who calls himself "Anesthesiologist".

~ Wow for fifteen eggs! I knew I had it in me. (Really, I knew I had them in there. There was every bit of fifteen eggs in my swollen, heavy ovaries.)

~ In a fertility institute, twenty minutes from where I sit blogging......I have babies. How awesome is that?!

Will receive fertilization report in the morning.  Can't wait to update you all then.

In Awe & Very, Very Thankful

With tomorrow's ER looming overhead, I find myself feeling very emotional. Of course, I could attribute everything to my hormones and think nothing more of it, but what I'm feeling goes so much deeper than just high estrogen levels.

I feel in awe of the events that are about to take place in the next twenty four hours.  I feel grateful for the opportunity to expand our family and fulfill our dreams of another child.  I feel privileged to have this chance of motherhood again. 

I am in awe of God for creating man with the ability to develop technologies such as IVF and therefore the loving provision of helping those who are unable to conceive naturally the fair shake to become biological parents.  As much as I give credit to my amazing doctor and his team of highly skilled scientists, the real praise goes to God for his gift of life and all the blessings and benefits that come along with such a precious gift.

As a mother of two little boys, I find myself thinking of them, their needs, and how this is going to affect them and I feel so excited for them to be big brothers tomorrow! DS1 has been a big brother for more than five years now, but for DS2 to become one tomorrow is a huge deal to me. Their lives are going to change forever and I hope their new sibling(s) bring them so much joy.  This is the last night of just the four of us. Wonderful, epic changes are about to take place!

I feel so much love for my husband and the fact that because of us, new lives will be created soon.  It's so exciting to think about these babies and what they will be, who they will look like, and how much they are already loved and adored.  I love sharing my life with such a wonderful man. He is a great dad. Not to mention we make totally gorgeous kids together (pats self on back!).  I have truly never felt so close to him. Through all the TTC heartache, he has been my rock and I love and respect the person that he is and that he has become over these last (almost) ten years of marriage. I am awed by my husband.

Rarely do I ever strike a sentimental chord, so bear with me for all the warm fuzzies. I'm sure I'll be back to my sinister, sarcastic self in no time.  Just allow me this moment of reflection and appreciation.

Cannot wait to update you all on ER tomorrow!

Follie Check Tres and OhhhEmmmGeee

This morning was my third and final follie check! Bright and early, I dragged my ovaries to the appointment. They are so heavy and full.  Blood draw same as usual.  U/s - not so usual.  We lubed up the dildo cam and took a look at the right ovary. Dr. Awesome RE said he was happy with anything over a "10" and he measured around 7 follies all 13mm and above.  He  moved over to the left ovary and the first words out of his mouth were, "You need to come in Monday for retrieval."  On the screen were 3 huge black circles.  These suckers measured 23mm plus (averaged down to 20mm or so)!  No wonder I'm feeling so full and uncomfortable!  Yikes!  He wasn't concerned, but the change in schedule concerned me. I'm a planner and I had previously been planning on a Monday retrieval. When my appointments started this week, however, they kept saying it wouldn't be until Tuesday, so I planned for Tuesday. Now it's back to Monday and I feel so ill-prepared!! I was going to cook all day Monday and get some last minute errands ran and whatnot. So much for that, right?!

A few hours ago, Awesome nurse Karen called to say that my estrogen was 2176. TWENTY ONE SEVENTY SIX!!!!  Holy hormones, batman! This is where they want it to be, but I'm sure DH would like it much, MUCH lower. :)

So, tonight at eight o'clock sharp, I will trigger with the Ovidrel.  Tomorrow, I get to take one blissful day off from shots. Hallelujah.

Of course, Monday will welcome the start of the really fun shots. Progesterone in oil. Right in the a$$.  Can't wait.

Follie Check Numero Dos

Happy Friday and can I get a "Thank Jeebus, this week of stimming is coming to an end?!!"  Holy ovaries!  I've been handling things well (for the most part) but these emotions and these ovaries are heavy and intense. 

Yesterday, I had a follie check. Twelve follicles measuring 8.5 to 15.8.  Dr. Awesome RE was giddy with excitement over it all. All of it. My lady parts are "gorgeous" and everything is going "perfectly". Twice, I caught DH rolling his eyes, but I think he's just jealous that nobody is up in his manhood using such terms.  In reality, I just think that my RE has a lot of ladies who don't respond well to the meds and maybe that's why he is so excited over it all. My lining was 10 and that's a great thing, too. They called a few hours laer to say to stay the same course with my Menopur (1mL to two vials of powder = 150mL dosing) and that my estrogen was 915.

Let us briefly review. Nine days ago, my estrogen was 38.  Six days later, it was 358.  Forty eight hours later, it was 915.  To me, that makes laying on the floor of my closet and bawling last night perfectly legit.  Dr. Awesome RE confirmed with DH that me being emotional is a perfectly normal response to all these hormones coursing through my veins. Again, DH rolls his eyes.  I think he'd rather think I was crazy, which would make his less than warm response to my antics justifiable. But I digress. He thinks, I feel. I'm yin, he's yang. I say tomay - toe, he says tomah - toe. And so on and so on.

Last follie check bright and early tomorrow morning!  Will update after!

Mama Mia!

Yesterday, I asked DH if he would come home from work and kindly slap me in the face.  The kind of slap that you reserve for those, "What were you thinking?" moments. For example, "Honey, I contacted a real estate agent and went house hunting today. I found a few houses I want you to see." SLAP! "Why would you do that? We aren't settling down here. It took us forever to sell the two houses we did own and we lost a lot of money on one of them. We decided to rent for the next few years."  OR "Honey, I bought an Aston Martin." SLAP! No explanation necessary.*

Well, yesterday it went a little something like this:  Me - "Honey, please slap me in the face when you get home from work for telling my mom we are doing IVF." DH - "I told you so." It all started with a phone call I got from her where she informed me that she had had a "panic attack" over my doctor's appointment yesterday. She was worried that 14 follicles meant 14 babies and what would we do with 14 babies and (get this) "Can they only take out two eggs and fertilize them?" She also made me explain several times over again things I've told her already.  Really? Are these the types of questions I have to field the week before ER/ET?  I have my own concerns to deal with without having to explain the process in detail to someone who clearly hasn't even tried to look up any information on their own and understand it.  Part of me just has to let it go and tell myself that she loves me and is worried. Part of me wants to scream. I'll give you one guess which part is winning.

At any rate, I can't let it bother me. She called again today and started in with her interrogation and I just told her that I couldn't handle her stress on top of my own.  I asked her if she had looked up IVF at all and she admitted that she hadn't. I told her to check out online resources and try to educate herself about the process.  The internet is a mighty powerful thing. Just stop playing Farmville for a few minutes and read about it.

I found out yesterday that my estrogen is 381 and Dr. Awesome RE wants me to double up on my Menopur and I'm done with Follistim.  I go back in tomorrow morning for another follie check/blood draw.  I will be sure to update after!

*Please note: My husband has NEVER raised a hand to me and I do not condone those types of behavior by any means. I use the term in jest and he knows what I mean when I ask for this treatment. It's just me being dramatic.  He does spank sometimes, but that is a completely different post altogether. ;)

Follie Check Numero Uno

Happy Tuesday! I'm back from Florida and burnt to a crisp. I like it. I like it a lot.  Happy to be back home and have so many exciting things coming up! Gonna be PUPO in a little over a week. It's crazy - all this waiting and then everything happens so quickly!

I had my first follie check this morning and according to Dr. Awesome RE, I am responding perfectly. I have 14 measurable follies. Eight in right and 6 in my left. They range from 6.2mm to 10.8mm.  I am waiting to hear the results of my E2 to see if I need to change up my dosage on my medicines.  So far, stimming has been okay. My belly looks like a pin cushion and I have this lovely Lupron bruise to contend with (i.e. try to inject around):

Follistim is very gentle. Menopur burns.  I'm as hormonal as ever. Lucky DH.  This morning I asked him if he had remembered to request off work for Monday.  (My ER is scheduled for that day.)  He responds with, "For what?"  Needless to say, my head spun three times and pea soup went flying. Really? You can't remember what's going on next week?  I can see if it were just a procedure how it might slip his mind, but OUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO BE CONCEIVED THAT DAY.  Please remember if only for that reason.

Am I crazy to get upset over that?

If your answer is yes, please don't answer.

Follistim Cocktail with an Umbrella?

So, I just got back from visiting a friend from home and was a terrible ICLWer and only posted once in the last week. Now would probably be a good time to say that I am leaving....AGAIN.  I'm meeting a friend in West Palm Beach for a few days! Sunshine, girl talk, fruity non-alcoholic drinks (for me at least) is just what I believe is needed to kick off my week of stims.  I'm leaving in a little while and will be there tonight! I'll be back late Monday night (just a quick trip) and will be checking back in with everyone after my follie check Tuesday morning.  I hope everything is progressing perfectly. Why wouldn't it be? Sunshine makes your follies grow, right? :)

If I usually comment on your blog, but haven't lately, please know that I am still reading what is going on with you even if it is on my phone sitting in the airport terminal.  I have been an absentee commentor and for that, I'm sorry. Once I get back from this trip and go through ER/ET I will be all up in your blogs to an extent where I will most likely annoy you. That's a promise!

Have a great weekend!!

I Am Still Alive

After not posting for over a week, I want to let you all know that I am alive and well. I was a terrible ICLWer and am so ashamed of my shoddy performance when it came to commenting and responding back to my commentors blogs. *hangs head in shame*

I went back east this past Saturday through Tuesday and lent some support to my friend whose dad is dying. He is still hanging on and is getting moved to Hospice tomorrow. For his sake, I pray he goes quickly. The man has fought hard for two years. He deserves some peace.  The whole trip has left me feeling a little disconnected from my IVF cycle. I am still trucking through my Lupron and my Lupron induced AF showed on Sunday (Yikes! Holy bleed-a-thon!) but I feel so distracted at this point in the game, I find myself thinking about cancer and caskets instead of nursery colors and baby names. Talk about a 180, huh?

Yesterday, I had my suppression check and everything is great. My lining was thin (really doc, I've been bleeding like a stuck hog for days, I kinda knew that already), ovaries are looking good with no cysts, and my estrogen is 38 (anything below 50 is good). I am officially suppressed. Which means only one thing:

Follistim and Menopur, here I come!!!!!!