Friday, January 14, 2011


I have had every emotion imaginable in the last 24 hours. They were easy to feel, impossible to speak.  It dawned on me last night as I lay awake that the word that kept surfacing in my mind was "punished."  It makes absolute sense to me right now that I am being punished for something that I've done.

I took for granted the fertility that we had before?

I am ungrateful for the children that I have?

We turned our whole world upside down and moved 1000 miles away from everyone/everything we knew chasing this dream of a third child.  Now all I want to do is wake up tomorrow in a house close to my family and friends.  I want to look at my husband and not see our future little one in his eyes looking back at me. I want to soak in all the things we do have and feel full, satisfied, whole. I want to feel happy, genuinely happy for the baby bumps and announcements that I see everyday without feeling empty and worthless and wondering, "Why not us?" 

If only I could wake up tomorrow and not want a baby....


  1. ((HUGS))
    I can relate hun. I know it feels like we're being punished sometimes. Please don't feel like you've done anything wrong. You guys will be taking the right steps towards having a baby. If you need anything, let me know.

  2. I am sorry to hear about the anti-sperm antibodies, but I did want to say that the post-coital test is utter bullshit and means nothing. Multiple research papers published show that it has nothing to do with ability to get pregnant, nor any link to sperm count. In fact I'm shocked your clinic does it. I'd give them a hard time about it, it's a totally outmoded test that most clinics have dropped.

    Best ever quote re post coital tests, from my RE. "It's like looking at a picture of a train station just after the train has left, and using the number of passengers left on the platform to determine how many got on the train."

    So clearly the antisperm antibodies indicate an issue, but I think you need to think about a second opinion with a clinic that is more up to date in their approach.

  3. Hello..

    So sorry about the news. I would definitely want to know about the morphology results. My RE wouldn't do a postcoital. He said it is a pointless test, though I don't understand why.

  4. @Thalia, I was aware of the issues with the post-coital test's validity going into it. My doctor put it out there as a possible test we could do, but didn't twist my arm to do it. I think he suggested it as a "I know you and you're the type of patient who will want to cover all bases so IF you want to do it, we'll do it" kind of thing. Turns out, he was right. I am that type of patient and I'm glad I got it done (if anything it got them to immediately order the semen analysis, which led to the discovery of the real problem). My nurse, who performed the test and gave me the results, told me not to be too discouraged. She saw lots of times when the pk test was negative, but women would conceive that very cycle.

    Love what your doc said about it, though. So true! :)