Thursday, May 19, 2011

Awful Angry Ugly Rant

Disclaimer: I am completely belligerent and irrational today. I'm bitter and hateful and there is no pulling the reigns back on my emotions right now. This is not the me that I enjoy being. This is the me that this journey is making me right now. I could probably fight hard against these feelings, but I don't have the strength today. It is THURSDAY and I will feel how I need to feel.

I am so angry today. It's now been three weeks and this last week has dealt me more bad days than good. Now it's Thursday again and I woke up thinking, "Today, I WOULD'VE been eleven weeks pregnant."  Is it going to be like this every Thursday? Will I ever get to just enjoy one without wondering what could've should've been??  I just want to go back to bed until tomorrow, but I can't.

I've been so bitter of late. I've completely dropped off of my two week wait forums. I don't comment at all on my IVF forum anymore and the miscarriage forum that I joined with the other December 2011 mamas who lost their babies is moving right along without me which is probably for the best. They are all coping amazingly well with their losses and making plans to move forward and trying to get pregnant again. I am not dealing so well with my loss. I WISH I was. Believe me, it would be so much easier to just handle it and move on. While I feel like I'm handling it, the moving on is the hard part. Certainly DH and I could hope for an au naturale pregnancy, but those odds are not likely. In order to move forward in the TTC department, we would need to make plans, make appointments, make phone calls. So hilarious that making a baby is more about making phone calls than making love. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. And what's funnier...I am about as fertile as one could possibly be right now. Ask my good friend unaffected. She was lucky enough to get a picture of my CM yesterday, as it was the stretchiest and most it's ever been.  I was completely in awe of myself and my EWCM. Put me in Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Facebook is full of pregnancy/birth announcements this week. Just another website I'll be ignoring for a bit. As if it isn't bad enough that I skip over belly pics, new baby pics, prenatal doctor's appointment updates, etc. I've also found myself raging against certain ALI blogs that I've come across. Yep, you read that right. I've been hating on fellow infertiles, people. A new low, indeed. For example, I found a blog through a blog that I follow and I was reading her "TTC Journey" and was feeling all sympathetic to her plight and everything.  She did all the IUIs and the Cl.omids and the Fe.mara cycles and then had to move on to IVF. My heart understands. It sympathizes. It really does.  So she does IVF and it works. She gets a baby out of it. So she wants another. I understand. It's an intrinsic desire, wanting to build on your family. So she does IVF again and it works. She's happily trucking through her second trimester. Awesome, right? Totally. I slammed my computer shut and thought to myself, "So you had to do IVF twice and it worked both times. Poor you. It must be soooooooo hard."

Yes, indeed. Who am I and where is the real me?? I hope she comes back soon because I have to go to Walmart in a bit and I'll certainly bust a cap in someone's ass if I have to go feeling like this.


  1. Hugs honey. You have to go through the angry part, its part of healing. Unfortunately I think the loss will always be with you. It does eventually get easier but you never forget.
    Lots of love,

  2. Hugs to you. I can so relate. It's hard to read everyones positive news when you are in pain. Hoping you feel better soon!

  3. You know, you are totally ok making a post about how you feel. Miscarriage affects different people in different ways. I have a few friends who had total breakdowns, and a few who were like *Shrug*, and everyone in between. You are processing the experience and allowing yourself to feel, which will allow you to recover and move forward. Not to forget, but to encorperate the experience into your life.

    That aside, the cycle after my misscarriage was the winner, and if you care to, there is a lot of research out there that states the cycle after a MC is often your most fertile. (Obviously, follow your dr's advice/your gut feeling about whether to try.)

    I relate to the no commenting on the MC blogs/forums/TWW stuff. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to read about it, and I even moved some MC or even pregnancy blogs into another reader to know what not to read if I wasn't up to it.

    I hope you are able to take some time to yourself and really get pampered, whatever that is to you (mani/pedi/hiking/going to the beach/lake/movies) so you can take some you time. As always, we're here to support you however you need it.

  4. I am so sorry for your recent loss. I lost a pregnancy last summer and have just recently felt like I was coming out of my grief. I spent a lot of time fighting my feelings because I thought I should just be over it already. It wasn't until I gave in and really let myself experience my grief that I was able to move on.

    Be good and forgiving toward yourself in your grief. Sending you good thoughts.

  5. I just came across your blog and just wanted to say how sorry I anti hear about your miscarriage. I totally understand how you feel about seeing other bfp on blogs and so many successful pregnancies on facebook. Its so frustrating and you feel like that should be you! I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  6. Oh honey, I am so damned sorry. I am new to your blog so what I have to say here might be irrelevant...have you been tested for clotting disorders? The loss you described...when it happened, seeing a a heartbeat and then things going south, sound so much like the loss that got me diagnosed with a clotting disorder. If you have any questions or just need to talk, feel free to email me.

    Again, I am so damned sorry.

  7. Totally normal to be bitter and angry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Wishing you the best.

  8. I've been there too and it's a horrible feeling. I went on holiday a few weeks after my miscarriage last year and that helped, although for the first few days I had that awful "What am I doing here when I should be x weeks pregnant" feeling.

    I hope you feel better for having blogged about it and vented some of those feelings. Good luck.