Friday, May 13, 2011

Good News Will Work Its Way To All Them Plans.

I have to believe the statement above because Modest Mouse said so.

The last two days have been hard. I've been feeling this loss so deeply the last 48 hours. It's really confusing because I'll have a few good days and then BAM! It hits me out of nowhere.  I should still be pregnant. My baby was such a fighter. She/he should still be hanging on.  I knew yesterday would be hard. The dreaded Thursday.  I thought today would be better, though. It's Friday. Six whole blissful days until the next dreaded Thursday. It's been hard, though, too.  I had to go to the mall and pick up some new things.  So many preggos. So many strollers. So many tears in my car afterward.  I can't control them. They are everywhere. It's not my intention to control them, just to learn to deal with the fact that they are still pregnant and I am not. I have to be easy on myself. It's only been two weeks.

I'm trying to focus on what I can do. Now. In the meantime. While waiting to cycle again (whenever that will be).  While deciding if we will cycle again.  So, I've made some plans. And I'd like to share them with you all.

1.) Exercise.  I am making exercise a part of my daily life again and yes, I said daily.  For six long weeks, I did nothing for fear of losing my baby and (of course) I would do it all over again, but how my body missed being fatigued through exercise!  It feels amazing to move again and I've been relishing pilates and runs and brisk walks with the dog in the warm spring air.  So amazing to be back out there and be active again!

2.) Travel.  Oh the places we will go!! First, I am planning on taking my boys (dog included!) back east at the end of June. We will be visiting friends and family for the whole month of July and not returning to Oklahoma until sometime the first week in August.  While in West Virginia, we plan to spend a weekend in North Carolina with my friend, Kassy who has a lake house at Lake Norman. Then, DH and I are headed to The Big Island of Hawai'i for six wonderful nights to celebrate ten beautiful years together. So much love for that man. If he loves me just a tenth of the amount I love him, I am a lucky woman.  We are also looking forward to a couples weekend in South Beach with our very best couple friends, the Doaks (Josh and Jenn).  That's at the end of August.  Family vacation this year will be in November. Taking our boys to Disney World over Thanksgiving break.  Wow, for the record we usually don't vacation so much in a year. We need it this year, though!

3.)  Change.  I am working a lot on me.  I want to be the best woman I can for my family, for myself, for my future baby, and for the baby that I lost.  Physically, I will do just fine with a balanced diet and exercise.  Mentally and emotionally, I will work hard at weekly, as I am seeing a Healing Touch Practitioner, and daily on an individual basis, meditating and praying.  It is my wish to start living more in the moment. I have been so focused on TTC, so forward thinking, that I've lost a lot of todays. I want to stop worrying so much about tomorrow. I want to be here. Now.  I know what it's going to take out of me emotionally and physically to do another cycle. I'm eyes wide open next time around.

That's why I've decided to move my blog. It will still be public, but I'm not going to give out the url to everyone. This change will take place in June 1.  If you are an ALI blog (the Stirrup Queen's Blogroll), I will make the change known on LFCA. If you are not an ALI blog, but are struggling with infertility OR I met you on here or two week wait, I will give you my email and I can get you the new blog addy that way.  If I know you in real life, I will not be sharing my new blog with you. Please don't take this personally as it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings.  I hope you will understand that it is exhausting for me to keep up with everyone when I'm cycling with text updates and the like. I want to be completely focused and I hope that being more private with my next future cycle will bring me less stress.  I need to blog about what I am going through, but I need to be surrounded by people who truly understand, who have been there before, who know what it feels like.  I'll be more forthcoming with details on the move soon!

And if you made it to the end of this ridiculously long post (sorry!) please enjoy Modest Mouse and remember:

...We'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on.
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on...alright. Already we'll all float on.
Alright already we'll all float on, ok.
Don't worry we'll all float on.

Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on...


  1. That it the exact reason I started my get away from the real life folks. It's easy to turn off the computer when you don't feel like talking, but harder when everyone in the real world knows every step of your cycle.

    I like your travel plans! Sounds like a lot of good things to look forward to! Hugs to you and your boys!

  2. Sometimes it feels good to just have a plan, even if it isn't a TTC plan. They are steps forward that you can make towards your take home baby. Lots of love to you as you move forward.

  3. Totally understand. I had an anonymous blog a couple years ago, and I find it was somehow easier to be open & honest on that one.

    Will miss hearing about your updates & plans <3

  4. Love all your plans. I agree that having a anonymous blog is nice.

  5. Sorry to hear I won't get to know what's next for you...but I'll continue praying for your journey and please know if you need anything, let me know!

  6. I totally understand about needing to keep things private. When I started my blog I had moments where I really wanted to reveal myself but I know that if I did, I wouldn't be able to be as open as I want to be. I'm thinking of you and hope to find your new blog!

  7. I completely get it. All of it. Especially the part about living for today rather than focusing solely on the future. And Thursdays. That was my day too. Do what you need to do so that you can heal from all you've been through recently! Have a grand time on your vacations. I hope they bring you moments that you can get lost in and forget, just for a moment, all that's happened to you. It will get better with time...the hurt never goes away, but it does get much more bearable, and the good days start to outnumber the bad. It just takes time. Hugs to you.

  8. I totally understand. I have not let anyone in my real life read my blog. It does get exhausting!

  9. Your plans all sound really good and healthy. I hope it hits you less frequently as time goes on. Will be looking forward to your new blog.

  10. I made my blog public to the whole family so they would know everything going on and I wouldnt have to update them so much, but it ended up causing me more stress than good. I would love to be able to follow your new blog - please add me to your list!