Grief

I don't want to let another day pass without at least telling you all that, physically, I am okay.  The D&C went as expected and I am no longer pregnant.

I am no longer pregnant.

My baby is dead. Gone. Never going to be born. Never going to be loved and looked after and cared for and cherished.

I am in a pretty fucking dark place right now.  There is nothing to satisfy the emptiness I feel.

I just want my baby back.

Confirmation (Updated)

There was no heartbeat today at my ultrasound.

My clinic is going to schedule a D&C this week.

**My D&C is this Wednesday, April 27th. I am so thankful they are getting me in so soon.**

Letting Go

My whole body hurts. From the middle of my back to my knees, I feel my whole body gearing up for what I only imagine is going to be one hell of a period.  It's getting ready to let go. And I have been, too.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and sweet comments. Some of you have been cheering me on since my first post. Others, my first injection. Still others, my first beta.  I am so appreciative of all of the support I have received during what had been a crazy, bumpy ride. 

Truth be told, I think this is coming to an end. I know there's no way to know for sure until my appointment on Monday. Call it mother's intuition, I think my baby is tired. It's okay to let go. I've been telling her since yesterday that if it would be easier to go, I only want her to know first that I've been dreaming about and wanting her for so long and I want nothing more to be her mom, but that I understood.

I will miss this baby every single day. I know it will be hard to deal with, but I have been told a lot by my DH that he thinks I have been strong and handled everything really well. I hope that I can grieve this loss and find a way to go forward.  Although it is not the outcome we had hoped, it is an answer and it is a way to move on and start living again. 

Oh, my sweet baby....

If it Weren't for Bad News, There Would be No News

Warning: I curse at the end of this post. Offended? Don't read.

Last night, I ran a fever.  Out of concern, I called the RE's office and let them know. Of course, they wanted me to come in so they could take a look.  The good news? RE thinks that the fever is viral and that it would pass within a day or two.

Bad news:  Fetal heart rate was down to 97. Monday it was 103.  RE is "concerned".  Says time will tell and we will recheck on Monday.  He also marked my check-out sheet "high risk pregnancy" for the first time ever and I found the reason why on Dr. Google.

http://radiology.rsna.org/content/236/2/643.full

Don't feel like reading it? Here is the gist.  In 300 pregnancies where a low embryonic heart rate was found at 6-7 weeks (low = 100 bpm or less at 6.3 - 7.0 weeks), 188 or 60.6% ended before the first trimester was over.  Many ended within a week.  (As in, go back for recheck and find out that fetal cardiac activity had ceased.)

I fall into this category. Yay! Can't wait to go in on Monday and see whether or not my baby died. And the best part? Even if the heart rate recovers, my chances of "first trimester demise" are still 25% higher than most pregnancies.

Fuck you IVF. Fuck the last 3 months of my life and all the hope I had that this bullshit would work, too.

Miscalculated LMP and the Discovery of "The Source"

If you are uber observant, then perhaps you noticed that my pregnancy ticker has been adjusted. (Just so you know, I don't really expect any of you to have noticed that, but it has been adjusted so I thought I'd share why.)  I went in for my U/S this morning and noticed that they have my LMP (last menstrual period) as 3/3/11.  I thought it was 2/28/11 since my babies were conceived on 3/14/11. Silly me just assumed that the kiddos were created on the "Day 14" of my cycle and apparently, they were fertilized on "Day 11".  No worries, I'm just not 7 weeks pregnant today, I am 6 weeks, 4 days. Due date is 12/8/11. (That seems really far away, doesn't it?)

Baby is measuring one day behind and I was told not to worry about that discrepancy.  One day does not matter, but three or four days would, so I am choosing not to worry about this.  Heart rate was 103 and I was told that for a 6 week, 4 day old fetus, that is perfectly within normal range. At about 8 weeks, the heart rate will jump up to the 120-160 range.  I am also okay with this.  Baby is measuring .60 cm. Last Tuesday, baby was .20 cm and when converted to mm, baby grew from 2 mm to 6 mm which is also good.  Dr. Awesome RE also found what he believes to be the cause of the bleeding - a hematoma near the baby that is very small (hopefully all bled out!).  I am really pleased to have found a cause. All this unexplained bleeding was not sitting right with me.  There has to be a reason, right?! 

I am to come back in one week for another U/S. I am hoping that I can be released to an OB at that point.  I just need one week of no drama!!  RE recommended continued limited activity including lots of rest, no sex, no hot baths, no hot tubs or saunas, etc.

All in all, a great report! :)

Anticipation

I never thought I'd say this, but I am super sick of blogging about TTC and obsessing over the ever looming threat of a miscarriage.  So, I will keep today's thoughts on these matters short and to the point:

My bleeding has stopped. I am not as naive as I was before. It may come back. I anticipate that it will just because I've become more cynical over the past two and a half weeks. I dare you to blame me. For now, it is gone and I will enjoy every moment of its absence.

Now, in other news, I got my hair did today. I feel like a new person! If I must sit around in my pajamas, I will do so with good hair, darnit. And in more hair news, I ordered my extensions today!! Next Friday, I will have 6 more inches of hair! I cannot wait as I am really impatient and this whole waiting for my hair to grow out isn't really working for me. Can you imagine? Five whole months of gorgeous, long, thick, Kate Middleton-ish or a bit longer, hair. And when I take them out my real hair will have grown that much longer. Winning!

See - I'm not all mopey and grumpy and forlorn all the time. There are lots of things to be happy about. Today, my hair makes me happy. :) Lots of other less shallow things make me happy, too.  I am looking forward to seeing baby bean on Monday. I hope she's okay in there and still enjoying her stay. I am thankful for my church family who are taking care of DH and the boys and I in our time of need. Someone is coordinating meals and a lady is coming over next week to clean my house. How blessed am I to have such wonderful people who want to be here for us and give us the best chance of staying pregnant? God isn't good. He is wonderful!

Here's a pic of me and the bean today (and my rockin' hair!)

Have a good weekend everyone! :)

Teetering

My happiness from Tuesday's ultrasound was sweet, but short-lived.  Late Tuesday night, I passed several (five or so) clots and went in for another u/s. Baby was fine. Heartbeat was visible to me from where I was laying.  I was told that at this point, I have a 50/50 chance of miscarrying.  Although I hate those odds, I left feeling relieved.  My breathing came easier to me having seen my baby. Now, I am back to the place where everything is distorted. Every positive, good feeling is punctuated by a question mark. Every dark, morbid thought is made darker with uncertainty and fear.

I just went to the bathroom and passed another clot along with some bright red blood. Now I am back to dark brown spotting.  I don't know what to do or think. I cannot go rushing in for an u/s every time I see tissue. I feel like I should know by now that a few small clots does not a miscarriage make. At this point, I should feel confident that I've beaten the bleeding before and that everything will be fine. I should be able to coast until Monday and just see then what is going on.  It's quite easy to separate my logical thinking when I'm sitting here blogging from how I feel when I go to the bathroom and feel like I'm looking at a crime scene.  When I'm there, I just want to rush to the phone and call my doc and go running to his office.

I am tired. I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of heartbreak. Just when I think I can take a step back and turn away, I am forced to step even closer to the ledge and stare wide-eyed into what would certainly be one of the most awful experiences in life.

The Dreaded Red and True Love

Today has been "interesting".  What started as any other Tuesday got very scary and then turned out happy.  I find myself feeling tired from this roller coaster and wondering what is in store.

At around 12:30, I was sitting at the computer and my low back was aching. It's been hurting since yesterday, but it was giving me some pretty strong tweaks.  I also noticed that I was feeling crampy. I went to the bathroom to pee and there it was - blood in my underwear. I peed, wiped (more blood), and when I went to flush, the water was bright pink. I thought this was over. Apparently, I was wrong. I couldn't help it. I started to cry. I started to shake. I started to panic.

I tried reaching DH a few times and didn't have any luck.  I called Dr. Awesome RE's office and was instructed to come in for an ultrasound. I then called an older lady from my church who knows about our situation and she came over and drove me. I thank God for putting people in my life that I can call for help when I need it.  I finally reached DH and he agreed to meet me at the office. He asked that I wait for him to do the ultrasound.  I asked him to please hurry as I didn't want to sit waiting there for any longer than absolutely necessary.

DH arrived 15 minutes after I got there with a sprained ankle. Apparently, he was working out at lunch and that's why I couldn't reach him. When he finally got back to me and got the news, he took off running to his car and twisted his ankle. Dr. Awesome RE's nurse was nice enough to get him a bag of ice. We were ready for Captain Condom Wand.  I took a deep breath, grabbed DH's hand in a death grip and looked away. I was too afraid to naively look wide-eyed at the screen.  A few seconds later, Dr. Awesome RE told me to look at the screen.

One gestational sac, measuring right on track. One yolk sac. One perfect little baby with a fluttering heart.  Every single up and down and sleepless night and bad dream and breakdown melted away in that instant.

We are in love.

And I am on bedrest. For at least until my next ultrasound.

Last Beta Before U/S

My beta today was 6138.  Had it gone to 5800, it would have doubled. I am feeling very pregnant, too. Nausea, heartburn and so sleepy.

All good things, though. Feeling over the moon and excited.

Looking forward to next week's ultrasound.

<3

Too Scared to Screw?

Yep. This post is about sex.  Feel free not to read if it makes you uncomfortable. It needs to be blogged about because it's kind of what's NOT been going on around here.  I won't be offended if you don't read or comment. It's all good. :)

So the night before my first beta (the disappointing 31) DH and I BDed.  It had been so long and we were getting "snappy" toward one another which tends to happen when we go so long without the sexy time. I believe it had been since a few days before ER, so we were going on sixteen days - 16 DAYS, peeps! (I didn't get married to be celebate, you know!) So, we BDed and were feeling quite happy with ourselves and excited for the next day's awesome beta and all the happiness which was to follow.

Then the next day's beta stunk (by fertility clinic's standards) and the following morning, I started to bleed. The bleeding continued for a week and so did all the uncertainty around what the heck was going on and we were emotionally, as well as physically, D.O.N.E. However, my numbers were doubling as they were expected and the bleeding, although heavy, was never painful with large clots, so technically, everything was going along as it was supposed to. Still, we refrained from any form of boudoir fun.

It stuck in the back of both of our minds that maybe if we hadn't BDed that one night, the bleeding may never had happened. (Of course, this is ridiculous, but we were grasping for reasons and causes for what we felt was a pretty unnatural occurence in pregnancy.)  Last night, the subject of it all came up and DH said that although he wanted nothing more than to BD, he didn't want to be the cause of any problem that might compromise a pretty fragile condition.  We decided to wait until after the u/s to make sure that we weren't up against anything that would make Dr. Awesome RE use the term "pelvic rest". It seemed like the most logical thing to do and although we knew it would be diffcult, we were committed to making sure everything was A-okay first.

It's going to be a loooong 9 days.....

Bad Dreams...

I tend to dream a lot when I'm really tired. It makes sense that in pregnancy I would dream more because by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I'm exhausted.  For the last ten or more nights, I've been dreaming a lot.

A few days ago, I realized that my friend Jenn's visit was coiniciding with Cinco de Mayo. I sent her a text and we talked a little about it and she playfully said, "No cocktails for you, mama!"  I agreed that this year, I would be DD.  Well, last night I dreamed about Cinco de Mayo and I was having margaritas with her...

DH and I are going away for our ten year anniversary in July and the whole trip is a big surprise to me. I know that there is a trip, but I have no clue where we are going and don't plan on knowing until we get on the plane.  I dreamed last night that we went to Italy and we were both having wine and eating pizza in Naples.

Not horrible dreams by any means - celebrating with my husband and having some drinks with a grilfriend, but the point was - I wasn't pregnant.  By the time, May rolled around (in my dream) I was having a few drinks. My mind is playing horrible tricks on me. Making me even more fearful that this will all end either at my next beta or at my first ultrasound.  Why can't there ever be peace of mind? Will there always be something unnecessary to worry about? Obviously, throughout pregnancy there are many worries because so much can go wrong, but DH and I are feeling robbed of the simple joy of being pregnant and looking forward. 

I feel like I'm stuck until the 18th. It's very frustrating.

**Asking that everyone please keep my close friend in your thoughts and prayers - she's been struggling to conceive for many years and is taking a few months off from TTC and moving on to IVF in the late summer.**

Sweet Morning Texts and Beating the Control

Me: Morning :) I am still pregnant.

DH: Morning. Good. Go eat bfast good for baby.

This is how DH and I said good morning to each other.  He'll be back tomorrow night and I can't wait to see him.

My bleeding has stopped. ADIOS! Don't come back now, ya hear?

And I thought I would just show you all that I beat the control line's butt this morning.  I'm feeling happy and optimistic for a change.

And here is me! At 5 weeks 2 days and dressed, ready to go out the door and looking like a human being for the first time in ten days.

GO ME!!!

More Good News

I decided to go in yesterday for another beta instead of waiting until today.  DH was scheduled to leave for work in Louisiana this morning and he encouraged me to get tested yesterday so that if the results were not good, he would just cancel his trip.  Well, I am happy to report that he left this morning. :)

My beta yesterday was 481.  Had it gone to 420, it would have technically met the requirement of "doubling".  It went 61 above that!  I don't think anyone can say that this baby isn't a fighter.  The nurses are optimistic, my progress is good.  They gave me the "go ahead" to schedule my first u/s, which I did - April 18th!! I was also told that if I wanted to come in for one more beta for peace of mind, I could. I plan on doing that next Monday. Until then, I have my pee sticks and symptoms to monitor and obsess over. My bleeding is now spotting and for that, I am so grateful. Now, if it would just GO AWAY...

In this moment, I am pregnant and I plan on enjoying every moment that I am.  I still have fears and some doubts (I just want to see my baby!!) but DH and I decided that if yesterday's beta was good, we were going to graduate to somewhere between optimistic and excited. We are currently opticited.

Here are some pee sticks showing progression. Top and second are both 15DP5DT, third is 16DP5DT, and bottom is this morning's 17DP5DT:

And a digi for good measure:

Beta # 3 (No April Fool's Joke, Either!)

My beta is 140 today. It doubled and then some.  My friend Kara informed me that the doubling time was 40.85 hours.

I honestly don't know what to think.

I am going back in on Tuesday for another beta.  If it doubles then, I can wait until the 14th or 15th for my ultrasound.

Still so many worries. My nurses are "optimistic". I feel like I should be, too. I just feel unconvinced right now that this will end in a baby.  My bleeding is the same.

My thoughts are all over the place. Apologies.